Looking Out for Number One

[Someday, someone will ask for your urine. Assuming that person is a medical professional, I think I can talk you through it. Don’t make these mistakes when providing a urine specimen:] Do not try to fill up all the bottles. Do not add sugar or non-dairy creamer to the sample. If this is for a […]

Random Thoughts Part Four: Son of the Ghost of Random Thoughts

I think that a man should be allowed to walk around naked in his own house; my renters, however, did not agree… If you killed Frankenstein’s monster, would its ghost be the monster or would it be several separate ghosts for each body part? It is a bad workman who blames his tools. It is […]

Son of Random Thoughts: The Random Thoughtening

I’ve watched three dozen Fiona Apple videos in a row. Now, everyone I see looks fat… It occurred to me that, if I went to my grave, never knowing what a “causeway” is, it wouldn’t affect the quality of my life at all… No one ever got broke appealing to the lowest common denominator… except […]

Indications That You Will Almost Certainly Fail

There is doughnut glaze and Cheetoh dust all over your workout DVD. You notice that your boss has a pink slip filled out with everything but his signature. The guy giving you a driving test has a stress-induced coronary during the test. You’ve asked out a girl who is frowning at you, wearing a wedding […]

Tips for a Good Night’s Sleep

Diet is very important for a good night’s sleep: If you are having trouble getting to sleep, maybe you aren’t eating enough sleeping pills… Exercise is also important. If you cannot sleep, punish your body with push-ups and sit-ups. If that doesn’t make your brain take notice, start with the cutting… you know THAT’S what […]