Looking Out for Number One

[Someday, someone will ask for your urine.  Assuming that person is a medical professional, I think I can talk you through it.  Don’t make these mistakes when providing a urine specimen:]

Do not try to fill up all the bottles.

Do not add sugar or non-dairy creamer to the sample.

If this is for a drug test and you are carrying a bag of “clean urine” and an artificial phallus, remember to avoid novelty colors like blue, fire engine red or stripes.

Urine is relatively clean and there isn’t enough whimsy in the world; but, shouting, “Urine fight!” and splashing the medical technician will not win you any new friends.

Use your bar-tending skills to avoid too much of a head on your sample…

Lab technicians have heard all the piss puns you’ll come up with. That shouldn’t keep you from using them; however, it will keep the techs from laughing at them.

Oddly enough, no one will be impressed if you manage to fill your sample bottle from four feet away.

Even if you have an established incontinence problem, squeezing the sample out of your wet briefs is not cool…

If you spend more than ten seconds looking at your sample, you will seem supremely weird.

Clearly label your sample and NOT with the words, “Urine Sample”. Believe it or not, the techs already know that.

Do not attempt to use a urine sample as money. Although it probably a is less volatile currency than Bitcoins.

Do not ask them to return what’s left of your sample after testing.

Don’t ask if you can have the remainder of other people’s samples after testing…