Tips for a Good Night’s Sleep

Diet is very important for a good night’s sleep: If you are having trouble getting to sleep, maybe you aren’t eating enough sleeping pills…

Exercise is also important. If you cannot sleep, punish your body with push-ups and sit-ups. If that doesn’t make your brain take notice, start with the cutting… you know THAT’S what you wanted all along, you freak…

Self-affirmation sometimes helps. Tell yourself that you are gently drifting off to sleep and will sleep deeply all night long; then, tell yourself that you are a millionaire with a beautiful spouse and that you once beat Batman up in a fight…

Try to avoid stressful activities before bed. Any sky-diving or alligator wrestling can wait until the morning.

Obsessing over the fact that you cannot sleep does not help. Instead, obsess over how your job performance is going to suck the next day or how your spouse has been acting a little differently lately…

Massage often helps you sleep. Ask your beautiful spouse or Batman if they can give you a back-rub…

Drinking heavily will NOT help your sleep problem; however, it will help you forget that you HAVE a sleep problem…

Drinking coffee right before bedtime is a bad idea; but, if you are drinking coffee before bed AND complaining that you cannot sleep, you probably aren’t smart enough to read, anyway…

Sex right before bed can help you sleep. Just remember to pay in advance…

Reading a book can ease the transition to a sleep state. If you want to fall asleep twice as fast, read two books…

Warm milk can help you fall asleep. It helps if your significant other is a wet nurse…

Hold your breath until you pass out…