Sideshow Freaks Who Completely Missed the Point

Gabriel, the World’s Heaviest Anorexic: At one hundred and eighty one pounds, Gabriel Martinez was not impressive as a fat man; but, as a man who had a phobic terror of food and calories, he was a pretty hefty guy. People could pay extra and peer into his trailer to watch him not eating his meals…

Benjamin Faulkner, the Boy-faced Boy: This one is complicated. The same sideshow had a boy-faced dog and it looked a LOT like Benjamin. So, in conjunction, he became the boy-faced-dog-faced boy for the show because EVERY freak show needs a dog-faced boy; however, the boy-faced dog died at fourteen years of age from a smoking habit it had developed, leaving Benjamin to either find other work or change his stage name to something more truthful. He made the wrong decision…

Janet and Corine, the Siamese Bearded Ladies: Siamese-twin lovers hated them because they were pretty crass and disgusting ladies, even for Siamese twins; bearded lady aficionados didn’t like them because the whole idea of conjoined twins is pretty gross. People who liked both kinds of attraction couldn’t get past the fact that one of them was a full five years older than the other.

Stuvinski, the Lion Blamer: Pietre Stuvinski would trot his lions out, have them line up and then proceed to berate them for a wide range of imagined slights and conspiracies. He was a profoundly unhappy human being and the lions weren’t too thrilled, either. Called himself “The Scourge of Lions Who Thought that They Got Away With Something”.  He was eaten after accusing a Bengal tiger of losing his television remote…

Margo, the Dog-faced Exotic Dancer: Historians agree that, as creepy as Margo was, far creepier were her insanely loyal fans.

Tony Little, the Giant Dwarf: Not impressive as a dwarf or as a giant. But, he stayed with Henry Hausin’s Circus of Freaks for twenty years because that bus wasn’t going to drive itself…

Franklin Raite, the Sword Vomiter: No one knows how Mr. Raite got the idea for his performance; but, if you could tough it out until the climactic and very messy end, you usually got your money back…

Captain Soar, the Human Cannonball Photographer: Also know as “The Biggest Disappointment in Show Business”. To avoid confusing people, he both photographed human cannonballs and, as a human, photographed cannonballs. Did this help? It did not.

Moms Franklin and Her Freeze Dried Dogs: What do you get when a grieving dog-owner gets dementia? A show so gut-wrenchingly horrific that federal law barred her from crossing east over the Mississippi River. At speaking or rolling over, the her dogs were sub-par… but they could play dead like nobody’s business…

Walter Foy, the Human Collar Button: His routine consisted of latching onto the lapel of an audience member and hanging there, fetal-like, in a g-strong, until the police were called in. Later, he was determined by psychologists to be the craziest person to have ever existed…

 

 

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