How to Avoid Being Buried ALIVE

Beatrix Kiddo, After Reading my List

[Many historical figures were terrified of being buried alive. Among them was author Edgar Allan Poe who, as you know, was not prone to morbid thoughts… Here is how to avoid being buried alive:]

  1. Die.
  2. Have your body left out for the vultures as some of the Tibetans do. If you are alive, your screams should alert people to that fact.
  3. Pay for your cell service three months in advance and be buried with your phone. Be pleasant enough while alive so that at least one person takes your call…
  4. Request that every mourner shake your body during the viewing.
  5. Stipulate that you be buried standing up with your head above ground.
  6. Have yourself buried with a huge diamond and just wait for the grave-robbers.
  7. Remember that you are only buried alive for an hour or so and then it is no longer a big problem.
  8. Spend a few years under the cruel tutelage of Pei Mei. If he doesn’t teach you how to dig yourself out of a grave or the five point exploding heart punch, poison his stinking fish-heads…
  9. Stipulate burial only after your body begins to liquefy.
  10. Be less active in life; otherwise, by contrast, people might mistake any rest period as death. Also, be more interesting; otherwise, people might mistake your assurances that you are alive as “gas escaping”…

4 thoughts on “How to Avoid Being Buried ALIVE

      1. Not me. I’m going to be buried in one of those tunnel-digging devices they use to make subway lines. That way, when I wake up, I just drive out of there…


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