Valentines Advice (Part Two): For Women

[I offer a glimpse into the minds of men concerning Valentines Day. Who are you to say, “No”?] Sex: By that I mean sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! If you don’t feel like having sex, may I refer to the first item? The only men who really get into Valentines Day are 80’s movie serial […]

Valentines Advice (Part One): For Men

An intelligent, well-made and romantic movie is often just the thing no matter how excruciatingly awful the ordeal of sitting through it is… Why buy your beloved candy when you can make it? Nothing says, “I love you” better than a paper plate covered with oozing, crystallized chocolate abortions. And, don’t say that flowers are […]

Pickup Lines that have Always Failed Me

I’d like to do a tarot reading for you but I’ll need a drop of your blood or saliva. . Wanna come back to my place and listen to Devo while I teach you how to buy real estate with no money down? . I’ve never told anyone this, but I poisoned a horse once. […]

Weddings in the 21st Century

Anthony and Cleopatra: He arrives in a toga; she on a reed-boat with bare-chested Nubians as oarsmen. The entire wedding party sits in quiet awe as they reflect on what attention-whores the couple is. Redneck Wedding: The band starts playing a country version of the wedding march while the bride runs down the aisle and […]