Valentines Advice (Part Two): For Women

I offer a glimpse into the minds of men concerning Valentines Day.  Who are you to say, “No”?

Sex: By that I mean sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!


If you don’t feel like having sex, may I refer to the first item?

The only men who really get into Valentines Day are 80’s movie serial killers. So, if you notice some enthusiasm in your man, make sure it isn’t the 80’s and that you aren’t in a movie…


The total amount of dancing a man is compelled to do should be inversely proportional to how much he spends on Valentines celebration. Surf and turf and a gold necklace: Thirty minutes of dancing, tops. A hot dog and a minor league baseball game: He should dance for three hours with a pole and in a g-string…


He will wear the sexy underwear you bought him if you understand that, after Valentines night, it will end up under a heavy box in his basement. On top of that heavy box? Another heavy box…


If you want him to read poetry to you, bring a book of poetry with you… on the off chance he doesn’t own the collected works of Keats or Wordsworth.


Remember that men do not see Valentines as a holiday, more as a loosely organized conspiracy.


Also, keep in mind that not every man is turned on by a woman dressed only in an apron; but, every heterosexual man is…


He will buy you a card. Do NOT assume he read it.
Keep in mind that, if he has a job, doesn’t hit you and doesn’t use needle drugs, he’s in the top five percent…

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