I Was a Bitcoin for the FBI!

When I first heard about Bitcoin, I had to laugh… then, I had to stop because I was bothering the other parishioners; to be fair, decentralized crypto-currencies always make me laugh. I remember when I heard about Zcash, I laughed so hard, I broke a blood vessel in my inner ear. It was worth it, though. Imagine a currency with literally nothing to back it up except the fact that it is a currency with literally nothing to back it up. It is what it is. And, like clapping hands for Tinkerbell, if you truly believe in Bitcoin, it will be a real currency.

That’s really the theory behind all money. It isn’t enough for one person to believe something is valuable. You need at least two. It’s like that crazy lady with the shopping cart that asks you if you want to make the blue bears dance. For the most part, NO ONE wants to make the blue bears dance; but, odds are that, eventually, she will find someone who DOES want to make the blue bears dance. It’s okay to hallucinate, as long as you have corroboration.

If the crazy lady manages to get the whole town worked up about the blue bears and their spritely dancing, then I’d say you have a Senate-candidate on your hands; moreover, the blue bears would take on a whole new significance. It might be exactly as imaginary as before; but now, it also has respectability. This is the kind of environment you need for a currency.

The stunning thing about this is that it proves that ANY of us can start our own currencies. The process is as simple as a walk to Kinko’s. You can design your money any way you like. Personally, I think all the cool money has a plant, an animal and a famous person on it… with a landmark on the back of the bill. No floating eyes over pyramids, though… seems to get the conspiracy guys all riled up.

I, the weasel, will pay you on the fifth of February…

The hard part is convincing people that it is money. There’s a reason most people don’t take IOUs anymore and it isn’t because it is hard to spell “IOU”. The reason is that most people who use IOUs look like weasels… special weasels that act as black holes for your money. So, are you going to take currency provided by a black-hole weasel? It’s like that web site that promises “barely legal teens”… Without birth certificates to back it up, their claim is meaningless…

BUT, what if you had no weasel face to contend with, mentally? Just a faceless international cabal that plays upon your fears of volatile US currency to get you to invest in an even more volatile currency. Is it a pyramid scheme? Well, without people with dog heads standing in profile, how COULD it be? No, Bitcoin is backed by the strongest force in the world: The stupidity of frightened people…

Come to think of it, that makes it the most stable currency in the world…

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