Valentines Advice (Part One): For Men

An intelligent, well-made and romantic movie is often just the thing no matter how excruciatingly awful the ordeal of sitting through it is…

Why buy your beloved candy when you can make it? Nothing says, “I love you” better than a paper plate covered with oozing, crystallized chocolate abortions.

And, don’t say that flowers are too expensive because anyone has access to a graveyard…

Take her dancing. Yeah, I KNOW you can’t dance… no heterosexual male can; but, we CAN shift our weight from one foot to the other and randomly throw our hands up. You only have to keep dancing until her blood alcohol level has reached .15…

Write her a poem. If your poem includes a man from Nantucket, try to make it tasteful.

Take her for a long scenic drive. Women like seeing stuff for some reason. Do NOT ask her for gas money.

Valentine’s Day should be one she will never forget… so, no Xanax in her hot chocolate no matter how good an idea it seems at the time…

Do that cute pajama thing where she wears the tops and you wear the bottoms. BTW, if you weigh three hundred pounds and she weighs one hundred and twenty, use YOUR pajamas…

Buy her a cute puppy that will basically become the focus of her life while you move ever so slowly into the background…

Role-play is always fun. One year I did the whole Lois Lane/Superman thing but she was way too short for the cape

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