Monogamy

Is there any word as sweet to the human ear as “monogamy” (besides “weapons”, “balm” and “areola”)? It evokes images of true love surviving through the ages, only getting stronger until it threatens to engulf us all in some sort of saccharine plague. Is it an idealized concept? Most psychologists and social scientists would respond […]

Love Before Birth Control

Before the invention of the birth-control pill, marriage was a predictable affair: A man would marry a woman and she would give birth to children until it killed her; then, the man would find another woman and the cycle would continue. Most second marriages were a race between the woman dying from childbirth and the […]

Valentines Advice (Part Two): For Women

[I offer a glimpse into the minds of men concerning Valentines Day. Who are you to say, “No”?] Sex: By that I mean sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! If you don’t feel like having sex, may I refer to the first item? The only men who really get into Valentines Day are 80’s movie serial […]

Valentines Advice (Part One): For Men

An intelligent, well-made and romantic movie is often just the thing no matter how excruciatingly awful the ordeal of sitting through it is… Why buy your beloved candy when you can make it? Nothing says, “I love you” better than a paper plate covered with oozing, crystallized chocolate abortions. And, don’t say that flowers are […]

Pickup Lines that have Always Failed Me

I’d like to do a tarot reading for you but I’ll need a drop of your blood or saliva. . Wanna come back to my place and listen to Devo while I teach you how to buy real estate with no money down? . I’ve never told anyone this, but I poisoned a horse once. […]