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Is there any word as sweet to the human ear as “monogamy” (besides “weapons”, “balm” and “areola”)? It evokes images of true love surviving through the ages, only getting stronger until it threatens to engulf us all in some sort of saccharine plague. Is it an idealized concept? Most psychologists and social scientists would respond with, “Well, duh!”. So, if it doesn’t work, why have it? Because, we NEED it.

We need a failed system? Ask any public school teacher. At the end of twelve years of mandatory education, most graduates write at the age level of chimpanzee. And, trying to get one to read is like trying to put sandals on an octopus. Who reads and writes well after public school? The exact same people who would’ve bothered to learn on their own. We need public schools to KEEP THOSE ANIMALS OFF THE STREETS for twelve or so years; then, they are eligible for prison and problem solved.

It’s the same with monogamy: They sell it as a lifetime bond between two mature adults; but, the reality is, you can only have one spouse AT A TIME. This keeps billionaires, Adonises and men who attract women for reasons that science will never figure out, from snapping up all the available females. All of we normal guys got together and told them that, if they didn’t slow down, we’d make them useless to a woman and confounding to the average tailor. We still meet bi-monthly, except for the ones we consider too stupid to keep it a secret. (BTW, next normal guy meeting is at the Sizzler Steak House in Burlington, Vermont… pass it on).

Some people will tell you that monogamy was created to keep the blood lines fully defined. Truth is, we don’t CARE if our children are actually ours. Odds are, by the time they are thirty, they will have been arrested trying to break into a pharmacy naked… some of them twice. Monogamy is only good for the robotic, passionless sex you’ll engage in twice a week while you each fantasize about someone less horrible. Also, if we didn’t pair up, thusly, we’d use up all the available housing and have to live under the ocean.

And, children get someone they can call “dad” and borrow money from and blame for any psychological problems or facial tics they’ve developed. It’s a good deal, even if your father writes essays about the time you got caught burglarizing a drug store with no clothes on, when you SO had on a pair of pants. We get a warm feeling from family, whether it is warranted or not. And, without this facade to build our society on, we’d have to find another facade.

And, finding a facade to build on that includes compulsory sex, is an almost impossible task…

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