Book Excerpt, Part Four

I’m not sure when I’m going to wake up. I’m sure the weed has worn off by now and I am being willfully unconscious. But, sleep has advantages over being awake. For example, I’m not very attractive but when I’m asleep, everyone agrees that I look like an angel. If I sleep long enough, I might look enough like an angel to fool my friends into thinking they are about to have a virgin birth. If I sleep more, I might look enough like an angel to sneak into heaven. I’ll just walk up to the gates with my head in my hands and mumble “tough day” as I walk by. Although Dante didn’t do Heaven any favors in Paradiso. It comes off as one of the most boring places you can go to besides this mindscape I’m currently stuck in. I can’t see, hear, taste, touch or smell anything; but, that just makes my other senses that much stronger. Like my sense of outrage. I look forward to waking up, ordering food at a restaurant and then complaining about it.

Maybe, instead of wandering in the darkness, I can force myself to remember somewhere bright. It’s easy to regret decorating my bedroom with black-light posters. But, without those posters, no one would know that I think Silver Convention is the best rock band out there… and that mice are capable of extending their middle fingers to eagles just before they get eaten. The brightest day I’ve ever seen was during my ill-fated trip to the Grand Canyon. We were caught unawares by a flash flood and I was swept down river with my donkey. But, the donkey managed to pull me ashore twenty miles downstream. That night, his body kept me from freezing. I almost regretted eating him the next morning because the search party found me fifteen minutes after I’d eaten my fill. Every year on that date, I commemorate that animal’s bravery and selflessness by eating another donkey. No ketchup because that would be DISRESPECTFUL…