Teachers: A Rant

I’ve been working for the public school system for the past six months. It’s not a bad gig. The building had BEEN an elementary school, so the urinals are about knee-level; but, I do get the security of working in a building meant to be a fallout shelter. It looks a lot like my elementary school in the 1960’s except the ceiling isn’t made of asbestos. And, when you work for a public school, you will invariably meet public school teachers. As with any group or subgroup, I like to observe and make wild claims as to their nature and behavior.

Public school teachers like free food… bagels, especially. If you want to trap some teachers, just put some free food under a net and I can guarantee your catching at least three… more, if there is cream cheese. And, you might actually WANT to trap a few because, as I understand it, their ORGANS ARE INTERCHANGEABLE. Any teacher can donate or receive any organ from another public school teacher’s body; in fact, I’ve heard stories about a massive earthquake in Turkey destroying a school that had eighty six teachers. When the building collapsed, rescue workers took all the parts they could find and surgeons were able to put together forty-five teachers from those parts… with enough left over to make half a guidance counselor.

Maybe you’ve wondered why they still have pencil sharpeners mounted on the walls; there isn’t much call for pencils, anymore… and, if phones get just a little smarter, there won’t be any need for students either. Each student leaves a phone in the classroom and the phone records and interprets the lessons and, when it is returned to the child, it gives the child the gist of that lesson. No, the pencil sharpeners are energy nodes designed to replenish the life-force of the teacher until the next free food… AND, THEY WILL CHECK FOR NETS.

I’ve found that, most times, teachers marry other teachers… and their children become teachers like their parents except they teach weird hybrid subjects like Spanish Math and Lunch History. When playing D&D, a teacher is forbidden by law to be anything but lawful neutral. They aren’t forbidden to have elf characters; but, who really WANTS to be an elf? The sweat of a teacher hybrid is thought to have medicinal properties: It will cure conjunctivitis in one eye but infect your other eye. Doesn’t seem like much today, but, it was a big deal in the days when people wore monocles.

Most school coaches are NOT adults. The big fat kid disappears one day and, three weeks later, he reappears with a ball cap on his head and a whistle around his neck. Dodge-ball was discontinued in public schools because they created too much of a surplus at organ banks. I read that, to become a school librarian, you have to KILL the previous school librarian. I’d check to see which book I read it in, but the current librarian is so hyper-vigilant that it isn’t safe to get very close to her.

In a special class the first week of school, all the female students were warned about me specifically. I don’t know what they thought I was going to do to them but they were looking at me like I was the school librarian. I heard that you can’t graduate until you’ve been in three school plays. They don’t tell you this, they just hold you back a grade until you can manage your stage fright. I learned that, if you walk the halls of a school with a geiger counter and a worried look on your face, no one will ask for your hall pass…