A Rant on Old Age

People think that getting old is a bad thing. But, they forget about the positive aspects like movie naps. I’ve got a whole list of movies perfect for napping through. Also, there’s wisdom… although that really kicks in just about the same time as senility, so people often can’t tell the difference. You can greet house guests in your pajamas; no young person would do such a thing unless he was Hugh Hefner. Often, at family events, they’ll even keep a television open for when you get cranky and difficult. It will either be showing football games or Rio Bravo on a continuous loop. Westerns were great when I was a kid… didn’t have all that sex, violence and nudity. Yes, I love sex, violence and nudity but what I love more is ruining sex, violence and nudity for everyone else.

I think it’s the duty of people my age to ruin as many things for younger people as we can. If we didn’t, those people would have an unhealthy amount of pleasure, fall into hedonism, become morbidly obese and alcoholic and let their guard down for that split second and then the Visigoths get in and we’re done for. That’s why we spend a HUGE portion of our lives telling the next generation how hard we had it and how weak they are. How does that help? I spent ten minutes trying to figure that out and then I realized that Rio Bravo was on so I hurried downstairs and slept through it.

Do I feel the least bit guilty for ruining the planet for the next generation? Absolutely not! If the next generation really wants a livable planet, then they should expend the effort to create a time-machine, go back and assassinate everyone in my generation. But, they are too busy eating avocado toast and trying to figure out how to move out of their parents’ house when the average monthly rent is more than they make in a year. I laugh at them because when the planet becomes uninhabitable, there’ll be all the empty houses they need at a much lower rental. Yes, they will still be charging rent because, even after the Earth is a burnt out rock with no atmosphere, because capitalism cannot be killed by fire or suffocation. You have to trick it into saying its own name backwards and then it will have to go back to the dimension that it came from. What’s that a reference to? If you were old, you’d know… unless I imagined it due to diminished faculties. In which case GET OFF MY LAWN!