New Year’s Resolutions and Other Lies

I resolve to stop second guessing myself all the time… well… maybe not.

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I resolve to get into the same shape I was as a teenager: Paranoid, self-conscious and socially awkward.

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I resolve to stop drinking and just experience my drab go-nowhere life as it is… and THEN start drinking again.

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I resolve to read more so I’ll turn on the close captions on the television.

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In fact, I resolve to watch less television. I’ll watch my streaming services on my computer, instead.

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I resolve to learn a new word every day and forget an old word. Example? “Rizz” and “hitherto”.

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I resolve to stop showing people my Christopher Walken impersonation unless they ask me to perform it.

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I resolve to stop tricking people into asking for my Christopher Walken impersonation…

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I resolve to be more adventurous in my cuisine so I’ll be eating a salami sandwich on top of a mountain.

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I resolve to spend more time proofreading my work. Work]