Questions to Ask a Future Spouse

Sherlock - The Smiling Human Shield | Evan Hargus | Flickr

When you get really mad are you a spitter, screamer or biter?

Do you use any addictive substances? By that I mean, can I trust you not to get into my cocaine?

Are you a dependent inept man-child who will need me to handle nearly everything; or, are you completely different from every other man I’ve been involved with?

Are you a castrating anal-retentive frigid nut-case; that won’t disqualify you but I will smile a lot less in the wedding photographs.

Is your religion compatible with mine and does yours involve a mass suicide pact?

I have a stillborn twin partially absorbed into my body. Is a tiny arm coming out of someone’s back a turn-off for you?

Are you a dog person, a cat person or do you mostly eat beef, chicken or pork?

Have you ever had the nightmare where you catch a rat in a glue trap and he says, “Well, I guess the better man won; but, I still have one trick up my sleeve” and he pushes the button on a little device and the entire house EXPLODES? No? Me neither…

Will you walk beside me and be my friend; or, behind me, using me as a human shield to be discarded cold-bloodedly when I’m no longer needed… because, I’d much prefer the first option.

Do you ask people questions just as an excuse to talk about yourself? I do that… noticed it when I was about thirty. I’d been doing in since I was ten. Puberty was hell for me… I’ve always felt… you know… different. I think the other kids were jealous of my intellect—that’s what mom always said; but, enough about me; what do YOU think of me so far?

15 thoughts on “Questions to Ask a Future Spouse

  1. Don’t you mean “Questions you should have asked your spouse?” There’s so much we don’t know when we’re young, no one tells us, and by the time we find out she’s got her hands on our money, property and kids! First question: “Are you a narcissistic psycho or have you ever been diagnosed as a narcissistic psycho?” 2nd question: “Money, is it yours, mine and ours or just all yours?”

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