How to Stop Illegal Immigration

Install a giant magnet in Juarez to create a second magnetic North, so immigrants’ compasses will send them the wrong way. Remember to remove all piercings and fillings before turning it on.

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Announce to the world that our water isn’t safe to drink and it is slowly turning Marjorie Taylor Greene and Ann Coulter into a horses.

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Make this side of the border worse than whatever they are fleeing. This program has already been initiated in Florida and Texas.

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Force them to work only hard demeaning jobs for meager salaries; or, as most people refer to it, “the way it is right now”.

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Threaten to take away their children and replace them with Eric Trump.

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Filling the Rio Grande with crocodiles will not only solve our illegal immigrant problem but it will also solve our Texan problem.

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Hire Arab sheiks to ride down and waylay migrant caravans, taking their silks and exotic spices.

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From the border, put up “Detour” signs that extend to Toronto.

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Prosecute anyone found to be hiring illegals to the fullest extent of the law as Republicans have outlined in their “Stuff We’ll Never do” bill.

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Or, adjudicate the asylum cases and return illegal crossers the way we’ve always done and stop pretending it’s the end of the world.