A Short History of Cannibalism

The word “cannibal” comes from the ritually cannibalistic West Indies Carib tribe which Columbus’ men mispronounced as “Canib”. They would’ve eaten Columbus but we all get sick of eating Italian… Plus, the natives were still full from a coffee cake Columbus brought… Most cannibalism wasn’t personal: Aboriginal peoples would often consume their family or enemies to gain some attribute of the person such as his courage or his Netflix password.

Cannibalism is considered taboo and yet it’s been in practice since prehistoric times. There is evidence that Neanderthals ate their own although that might’ve just been due to poor lighting in the caves. It was taboo in Egypt, ancient Greece and Rome. It was considered abhorrent by the average citizen to eat the flesh of another human and that it should never be done… or, if you were doing it, keep your shades drawn. Cannibalism was often used as an excuse to kill Christians in the Colosseum what with the Eucharist. But, mostly they kept away from it. In fact, everything was cool until 1600s Europe when it just…

…got…

weird…

Mummy Dust or ground mummy was often a prescribed medicine in sixteenth and seventeenth century England. It was said to “unblock the mensus”, “repair pain in the spleen” and cure coughs. It was also an effective way of finding out if your doctor was running out of ideas. It turned out that much of the mummy dust purchased from pharmacies was actually from the bodies of executed criminals. That wouldn’t happen today, though. The FDA won’t let you sell bogus mummy dust; although, they still allow anything over thirty percent mummy to be sold as mummy dust.

Human remains were often used in medicine, historically. Human blood was thought to cure epilepsy. Actually, it is twice as effective as just slapping the person having the seizure and telling them to “cut it out”. Human fat was used as a liniment, to ease aching bones… which is ironic because human fat is often one of the contributing factors to aching bones, particularly around the belly.

We can be pretty sure that parts of the human body cannot be used to treat ailments or else we’d have evolved to a species that, when it got sick, would just lean over and bite off a toe AND get better. Then, we’d only die when our mouth could no longer reach any part of our body. But really, what beneficial things do our bodies produce? Carbon dioxide, which is useful for plant life but can be deadly to people; and, feces, which is great for emptying out a public swimming pool, but not much help in any other way. Let’s face it: The worst thing for the human body is the human body.

This is why Soylent Green will never be a popular snack. If it had a Cool Ranch flavored option, we might ignore the fact that it is made out of people. But, it came in one color, one flavor and you KNOW for a fact that the sixteen ounce package they sold at first were replaced by a fourteen ounce package at the same price some six months later. Finally, they’d change the recipe just long enough for people to complain and then introduce “Classic Soylent Green”…

The Japanese cannibalized POWs during World War Two. It was considered their greatest atrocity until the creation of Hello Kitty. It was meant to terrorize the other side; but, if I knew I was going to die anyway, I’d be okay with increasing the lipid levels of my enemy. But, I’m pretty vindictive…

Today, we don’t flirt much with cannibalism. We have an extensive modern zombie lore but zombies aren’t cannibals. If they were, they’d eat other zombies and you’d just have to wait until there was only one really fat one left and make a run for it. I had a friend once who ate the achilles tendon from a cadaver when he was younger. I’d like to say he was normal in every other way; and, when I can do that with a straight face, I will…