Sodas of Note

Tribeco Bird’s Nest White Fungus Soda: Because there weren’t nearly enough war crimes in Vietnam’s history, they came up with this. It’s made from the dried bird spit masses usually used in bird’s nest soup. Consumers say that it tastes like vanilla with milk. Milk mixed with vanilla tastes even MORE LIKE vanilla with milk but with a lot less bird saliva.

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Mustard-Flavored Soda: Okay, it’s your first day in Hell and you are being tortured by furies or demons or… I don’t know… elk? Anyway, as you flee in a futile fashion from being flayed alive, you see another occupant and he’s on break drinking something. As you run by, you shriek, “What are you drinking?”. Well, if you are in the Hells of nine religions out of ten, that drink is mustard flavored soda. Only imported into areas with a demonic puzzle-box.

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Hotdog Soda: This was invented by the fine people at Seven Eleven convenience stores. The flavor is meant to simulate the experience of eating a Seven Eleven hotdog. And, if you’re keeping up with me, you’ve already considered mixing it with the mustard soda; but, don’t try the combination until a crocodile has pulled one of your arms off so you have something to compare it favorably to.

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Placenta 10000: It’s pig placenta and jelly, but in soda form. It is popular in Japan and supposed to have regenerative properties. It worked for me. After drinking it, I was able to run faster than I have in years. I very nearly made it to the bathroom in time…

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Celery Soda: Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda was created in 1868 when life was a short cheap thrill ride… and WHAT is more thrilling than celery? When that celery goes TO THE EXTREME!!! By which I mean, juiced and carbonated. You can still buy it, today; but, just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean ya should…

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LaObamas Black Garlic soda: From Switzerland, the people who gave us LSD and yodeling. Black garlic is made by letting a head of garlic age in a humid and warm environment until the cloves turn black. The process brings out flavors of molasses and licorice in the garlic as it would in a ginger root, a potato or an old black sock.

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Ramune’s kimchee-flavored drink: I never got into kimchee. I like sauerkraut well enough; but, kimchee is a different animal. It’s something you’d scrape out of the gutters near a vegetable market. When I tried it, I was so alarmed by the taste that it made me question sauerkraut. Keep a can of this in your fridge so when one of your cooler friends says, “Hey, let’s go to this Korean place I know”, you can hand him the can and persuade the others to vote for Mexican food…

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Canna Cola: Cannibis soda… for people who wanna get both really high and uncomfortably gassy.

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Fanta Strawberry soda: Fanta was the soda of choice for Nazi Germany. After Hitler declared war on the United States, Coco-Cola decided to withhold the syrup that made up the elixer. Germans had to invent their own soda and that soda was called “Fanta”. Germans drank it until Hitler choked to death on a bagel in his bunker. Eventually, Coke and Fanta reunited on the Jerry Lewis telethon in 1970.