Yet Another Jason Statham Movie

Some people act as if I make too much out of a new Jason Statham movie; but, I don’t see him as better than any other demigod… except Perseus of course, but that goes without saying. Recently, one of his movies has premiered on premium cable and I watched it last weekend.

The night before the movie, as we did with Revolver and Transporter 3, we strictly observed Statham’s Eve with eel pie and a couple of pints. No different than what my father would do when John Wayne came out with a new spoken-word album on what America meant to him. The pints represent the blood that Jason Statham will spill in the upcoming movie; whereas, the eel pie represents his body… minus the unsightly yeti-like masses of hair. The children in the house act out scenes from his life. His virgin birth is often mentioned but, to be fair, most of us were virgins when we were born…

On the day of the movie, we start by eating a full English breakfast… which is indistinguishable from bulimia. The younger people in the house do the “Dance of the Sugarplum Statham”, which is also indistinguishable from bulimia. We keep his movies on continuous loop, starting with his Guy Richie movies. To properly prepare for the movie, we remain cranky all day. We say things like, “You take the last piece of pie, I’ll filet your balls… friend” and “I didn’t know a trachea could break”. The day passes quickly thanks to the frequent fist-fights and calls to law enforcement.

The movie, this time, was The Bee keeper. And, you won’t forget that it’s called “The Bee Keeper” because Statham’s most spoken line in the movie is “I’m a bee keeper”. He says it to explain why he burned down a building or cut a man’s fingers off or shot the president’s son. Anyway, he’s bee keeping on the land owned by Bill Cosby’s ex-wife (Felicia Rashaad). She invites him over for dinner. Before he can get there, she loses everything she owns in a computer scam. Fortunately, the woman knows exactly what to do and shoots herself in the heart. Clay, Jason Statham’s character, is so upset by this he can barely scowl.

Ms. Cosby’s daughter is an FBI agent, coincidentally… played by Emmy Raver-Lampman. Her job is to arrive at the carnage a half hour after the nick of time and comment on it. She improves her timing throughout the film and eventually arrives a few minutes after the nick of time and finally, before the nick of time. This is called “character development”.

The movie progresses like a video game. It starts with easy shootings and arson just so the user can get comfortable with the shoot, jump and movement buttons. After your character has killed enough bad guys, your scowl-bar fills up and you can use it to terrify a lower level attacker or a grocery clerk. As the movie goes on, Clay encounters tougher bad guys who seem to have spilled out of the Road Warrior movie onto his set. Hard to believe that, for a secret organization that no one knows about, they’d employ a woman with a multi-color mohawk and a fifty caliber automatic who laughs maniacally as she blows up a gas station. By the final scenes of the movie, most of the bad guys are road warrior extras, including a big boss with an artificial foot and an accent not traceable to any language created since the start of human history.

And, then it was over. I scanned the credits for my name, just in case; because, people CAN make mistakes. Then, without speaking, the family and I went to our beds because we knew, in the morning, we’d be celebrating the last part of Jason Statham Day: The hunt for colored eggs. You see, at night, after the television premier of a Jason Statham movie, Jason Statham hides hard-boiled eggs that have been dyed blood-red and stamped with cross-hairs, all over the homes and backyards of the Statham-watching public.

Why would he do something so odd and pointless? I’m surprised you asked. He already answered that question half a dozen times:

He’s a bee-keeper…