The Gorilla Who Didn’t Understand Adages

Gorilla Bob sat at his security desk scanning the store’s monitors. He loved his job as head of security at D-Mart. He’d been at it for fifteen years and had been acknowledged by corporate many times for his wisdom and acumen. Behind him, a door opened.

“Morning, boss!”, greeted his assistant, a grey mule deer.

“You know what they say”, said Joe, “If you want to rule the world, first grab it by the wrist”

There was an uncomfortable pause, then the assistant offered, “Oh… kay. There’s a problem in the interrogation room. We have a shoplifting suspect who’s just stolen a felony’s worth of small electronics. And, you know what they say…”

“Before making stew, first dig two graves?”

“No”

“A moon-less night is great for boxing?”

“What? No!”

“If you hold a skunk by the scruff of his neck he will be always grateful?”

“Maybe”, said the mule deer, “we should just go to the interrogation room”

The Security office was up a rickety flight of stairs in the stockroom, originally when they only observed through two-way mirrors. When they emerged onto the

brightly-lit floor, the crowd seemed almost daunting. Gorilla Joe was staring in the opposite direction of the interrogation room. He froze there for a moment, then ran at the customer thumping his chest and hooting. I’d like to say that the customer fought the good fight; but, instead, he fled so fast that he almost left his shoes behind.

“Imagine”, said Joe, “That beta thinking he could take my harem of breeding females”

“How IS Emily?”, asked the assistant.

“She’s fine… says she like to invite you and the Mrs. over for dinner soon” They cut through women’s wear and Joe stopped again.

“You aren’t going to rush at another customer?”, the mule deer asked.

“No”, said the gorilla, focusing again in the direction of the interrogation office. “I thought I saw Dian Fossey”

“Dian Fossey is no longer living”, said the assistant.

“Jane Goodall?”

“A manikin”

Joe chuckled, “Well, you can’t break an eaglet without grating a few legs”

The mule deer stopped. “That was almost a real adage”, he marveled.

Joe snorted and put out a protective arm, “No time for pleasantries”, he said, “It’s another alpha male. Well, a simple penile display will–”

“No penile displays!”

Joe caught himself, “Yeah, human resources was pretty clear about that. I’ll just make myself look large until he runs away”

The mule deer stated, “He won’t run away as long as you’re here”

“Why not?”

“Because you are looking at and threatening a FULL-LENGTH MIRROR”

“Oh, good… I was beginning to lose my nerve. Let’s move on, then; because, you know what they say–”

“Can we please just get to the interrogation room?”, begged the mule deer.

“You got it, my little ruminant buddy”

*

At the table in the interrogation room sat a smirking man. He was handcuffed to the

chair he was sitting in. Otter Flo had been questioning the man but to no avail. He’d managed to drop off the merchandise into a display so the evidence against him was nil.

“I can’t get anything out of him”, said Flo.

Joe patted her shoulder. “I’ll give it a try”. He turned a chair around and sat down, leaning forward on the chair’s back. “As a gorilla”, he said to the impassive perpetrator, “I can tear your arms and legs off”

The man’s eyebrows raised briefly before he caught himself. “Who cares? I’ve got nothing left to lose”

Joe nodded, seeming to understand, “And, a man with nothing left to lose is a balm to the chronically unemployed”

“What? No… what are you talking about?”

“You know… when things look bleak, let a pronoun be your sword”

The shoplifter gave a frustrated cry, “Can’t you maintain a metaphor for at least a sentence?”

“Concern is just an abyss with lace curtains?”, offered Joe.

“Oh God no! You’ve RUINED me! Now, REAL adages don’t look quite right. A stitch in time saves nine? What the HELL is that? Necessity is the mother of invention? Utter nonsense. You’ve ruined me. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m going to become an anchorman for NewsMax”, the man sobbed hysterically.

Everyone else in the room was quiet… just for a moment; then, Gorilla Joe took a deep breath and said to the room, “Well, you know what they say…”

Moral: Before making stew, first dig two graves