Thoughts on Greed

Greed is the act of taking a certain amount more than your fair share over a particular period of time; usually, the certain amount is “everything” and the time is “before anyone finds out”. The greedy act as if they were taking a how-to course in bulimia and learned how to binge; but, transferred to a gender studies class before they learned the “purge” part. We all want to take care of ourselves… it’s built into our firmware; just like we all feel sad when we see a sick child… unless they’ve got the mumps because that’s just HILARIOUS.

I get sad when I see homeless people, knowing that there are people who have more money than they need and I want those rich people to be homeless but then I realize that if I saw those rich homeless people, I’d be sad.

It’s impossible to will away your desire for something… especially if you really think you need it. Like wanting a book on ethics with a secret compartment in the spine for stashing stuff I steal from the office; or, wanting bullet-proof shoes because I’m tired of getting my feet shot at whenever I encounter a drunken bunch of cowboys. I want a deaf German Shepherd that I can sneak up on when I get bored.

I want an electron telescope.

I want an “itty bitty book-light” and an itty bitty book and a review of that book by a midget. A boxed set of every movie that Adam Sandler wasn’t in.A Frank Sinatra album and a list of reasons why I’d want to listen to it. I want the finest caviar so I can show it to my second-finest caviar and maybe inspire it to WORK HARDER! I want a pair of leather driving gloves so that the casual observer won’t make the mistake of thinking that I’m not a douche-bag. I want a prostitute yo-yo. They do tricks like a regular yo-yo, but not unless you pay in advance. I want a fine meerschaum pipe to carry around just in case any casual observers didn’t notice the driving gloves.

I want the logical successor to the spork, the “knifadlechula”, a razor-sharp ladle that can be used as a spatula and to gut a hog. I want a cranberry bog… partly because I like cranberries and partly because it seems like a great place to get rid of a body.

In Dante’s Inferno, the greedy fought each other with giant boulders, proving once and for all that irony was not something the Italians were very good at. They pushed the boulders with their chests and yelled insults at the other combatants. They most resembled tormented soccer players. The greedy formed teams comprised of who hoarded and who wasted their wealth. To make it truly Hell, EVERYONE on either team is chosen last.

St. Augustine said, “Greed is not a defect in the gold that is desired but in the man who loves it perversely by falling from justice which he ought to esteem as incomparably superior to gold…”. This means it is okay to love wealth, just don’t do anything kinky. It probably comes off as way more reasonable if you say it in Latin. And Buddha? Well, he doesn’t like ANY desire so if greed sat next to him at a gala luncheon, he’d probably find another seat…