Police Blotter of East Westriverburg

11218 North South Street: Suspect was apprehended trying to activate a small light bulb with acid and two dissimilar metals. He was later charged with battery. Police broke up what appeared to be a silent riot at the Mahon Public Library but it later turned out to be a rumble between two factions of […]

Super Happy Fun-Time Math Riddles

Let x be a prime number. When x is written backwards, it becomes y… but, it really isn’t fooling anyone. What is x? What is x’s problem? Find a way to divide a regular hexagon into five parts so that it cannot be put back together to form a hexagon again. Notify its next of […]

Jobs I Might Take if I Didn’t Have the Swell Job of Computer Programmer

Toll Taker: Mostly because saying the phrase, “Here’s your change” sexually excites me. Mountain Climbers’ Guide: It’s out in the cold clean air and the job seems like an easy one that consists mostly of pointing up and saying, “That way”… Test Test Pilot: I’ve always wanted a job where I could evaluate the fitness […]

Actual Diets of Note

Ice Diet: Ice has no calories, nutrition, taste or reason for being a mainstay of someone’s diet. I think the scientific explanation for this diet is that people cryogenically frozen can live almost forever so why not freeze yourself from the inside? Tape Worm Diet: A tape worm can live in a person’s digestive tract […]

Things I Hate that are Red

Roses: “Here ya go, sweetheart: Beautiful, well-scented blooms of deepest crimson lovingly mounted on thirty inches of what might as well be barbed wire” Red Sea: A very disappointing cruise. I really should’ve looked up what the sea looked like in the first place. I haven’t felt so cheated since my trip to Red River […]