Roses: “Here ya go, sweetheart: Beautiful, well-scented blooms of deepest crimson lovingly mounted on thirty inches of what might as well be barbed wire”
Red Sea: A very disappointing cruise. I really should’ve looked up what the sea looked like in the first place. I haven’t felt so cheated since my trip to Red River Valley.
Clamato: The nutritional value of the tomato coupled with the confusing flavor of the clam. It’s like drinking your tomato juice out of a dirty glass at a seafood restaurant…
Red Bull: Most people spend eight hours a day trying to entertain themselves. If they have that much free time, why do they need to “slam down” their caffeine while simultaneously driving, posting on Facebook and trying to arrange a personal loan?
Communists: Because they put fluorine in our drinking water, spoiling my appetite for the fluorine I usually have for dessert.
The Devil on the Deviled Ham Can: It seems benign, but after eating a can of it, I was possessed by a ham demon who forced me to go on a shooting spree, which could’ve been pretty tragic had I not accidentally locked myself in a gas station bathroom right before the shooting started.
Sunset: Not only is a sunset a symbol of the brevity and fragility of human existence, it also indicates that night is falling and I’ll have to look at the Big Dipper’s sorry ass until dawn.
Red Skelton: My older readers may know him as that pleasant Irish-looking comic who had his own sketch show in the early sixties. My younger readers might know him as that guy who died long before they were born…
Lobster: A giant insect that we eat after scalding it to death; and, you don’t use silverware to eat it. You use pliers and a hammer. I’ll only use pliers and a hammer on something if it owes me money.
A Mandrill’s Butt: So gross and swollen and weird and, I’ll admit, a little sexy…