Actual Diets of Note

Ice Diet: Ice has no calories, nutrition, taste or reason for being a mainstay of someone’s diet. I think the scientific explanation for this diet is that people cryogenically frozen can live almost forever so why not freeze yourself from the inside?

Tape Worm Diet: A tape worm can live in a person’s digestive tract and take calories from the food that they eat. Of course, they can also grow well over ten feet long and cause a list of health problems that is, ironically, also over ten feet long. But, unlike other diets, this one comes with your own pet.

Cotton Ball Diet: High fiber, low calorie… This diet is useful for people who were already going to eat their socks and just needed a reason…

Activated Charcoal Diet: Did you get fat on all those family cookouts? The cure is right at the bottom of your grill. No-calorie charcoal. And, the surface area of the activated charcoal takes toxins out of your system in the same way a cannonball takes toxins from your torso…

Vision Diet: The theory is that blue-tinted glasses kill your appetite. In reality, blue-tinted glasses make it IMPOSSIBLE to see anything that is blue. I remember trying this diet and panicking because I thought the sky had disappeared…

Blood-type Diet: This diet works off of the principal that different blood types require different diets. For example, my type blood, Type A, requires an all vegetarian diet… so I’ll either be avoiding this diet or getting a full transfusion from someone with Type O…

Cabbage Soup Diet: Brilliant idea to come up with a diet food taken directly from Alexandr Solzhenitsyn’s Gulag Archipelago. In Stalin’s prison camps they really knew how to keep the pounds off and the love-handles away. The scientific basis for this diet is, if you no longer care whether you live or die, your fat gets depressed, jumps off your body and finds a different host.

Baby Food Diet: The dieter eats nothing but jars of baby food all day. This is based on the scientific fact that you cannot gain weight while looking completely ridiculous.

Grapefruit Diet: I saw a grapefruit pill commercial once where some beefed up fathead asked, “Do you know ANYONE who eats grapefruit that DOESN’T lose weight?”. Problem is, I don’t know anyone well enough to know if they eat grapefruit at all… except for those six months I lived in a situation comedy…

Breatharianism: You get all your nutrition from the air and the sun. So, it’s a lot like the ice diet, except you also get a tan. This diet is based on the scientific principal that it might be best if really stupid people starve to death before breeding…