Why I Think I Could Beat Mike Tyson

Because I’m delusional. Tyson is a short man. My longer arms would confuse him. While he was confused, I could shoot him. Years of celebrity, luxury and punching tigers to death have made him soft. Mike Tyson might hit pretty hard but I hurt my foot once and still managed to call for help. So, […]

Goals for 2019

I want to learn to speak Canadian. I want to learn about my ancestors from census documents, church records and tax documents. If I find one that is famous, I want to weave that into every conversation I have for the rest of my life. I want to simulate hiking the Appalachian Trail by pacing […]

Survival Tips

If all you have to drink is sea water, try to strain out the salt with your tongue and teeth. If you are lost, follow the North Star. If you follow it far enough you’ll be able to ask Santa Claus for directions. You can fashion a stone ax by chipping an edge into a […]

I Hate Writing Poetry: A Poem

I’d rather lose my home than write a poem And, you’ll never goad me into writing an ode; a limerick makes me sick. Want me to compose a ballad? I’d rather have barbed wire in my salad. As for the sonnet: A pox onnet!

I Want Them to be My Friends

Ben Affleck: If I hang with him, he’d eventually introduce me to Matt Damon; then, I’d have two friends which would be a godsend if I needed to move a china hutch… although, if history has taught us anything, it is that Matt Damon will probably end up doing most of the work. Jerry Seinfeld: […]