Ben Affleck: If I hang with him, he’d eventually introduce me to Matt Damon; then, I’d have two friends which would be a godsend if I needed to move a china hutch… although, if history has taught us anything, it is that Matt Damon will probably end up doing most of the work.
Jerry Seinfeld: Once in a while, you need a friend who can really make you laugh out loud; I’ll bet that Seinfeld knows plenty of people like that.
Carlos Santana: I don’t currently have a Mexican friend (Salma Hayek STILL won’t return my calls and emails), so he’d add diversity; also, I hear he plays guitar.
The Burger King: Yes, he looks like an alien serial killer who kills other serial killers; but, everyone needs a friend who can get rid of a body and this guy strikes me as that guy.
Shaggy from Scooby Doo: He seems the type who could score me a bag of weed if I wanted one. Yoinks!
Smokey the Bear: He seems kind, focused and grounded. We might have some trouble traveling together but I think I could pass him off as a “service bear” if he left the shovel at home.
Tom Cruise: Next to him, I’d look sane and well-adjusted. I could rib him about Minority Report and he’d rib me about being a lonely old man who writes lists for fun. Plus, if I needed something from the store, he’d probably offer to run to it.
Celine Dion: We could have fun together. When we got bored, we could use her ego to crush cars.
Angela Merkel: Because she strikes me as someone who always has a butterscotch in her pocket.
Al Gore: He’s got a wry sense of humor and he’s intelligent. I feel that, since his divorce, he needs someone to hang out with, talk to and, if drunk enough, to vandalize a graveyard with.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson: It would be fun to discuss astrophysics with him and he’d be handy behind the wheel of a getaway vehicle while Al Gore and I were knocking over tombstones.