I Want Them to be My Friends

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The last thing that Jeffrey Dahmer saw

Ben Affleck: If I hang with him, he’d eventually introduce me to Matt Damon; then, I’d have two friends which would be a godsend if I needed to move a china hutch… although, if history has taught us anything, it is that Matt Damon will probably end up doing most of the work.

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Jerry Seinfeld: Once in a while, you need a friend who can really make you laugh out loud; I’ll bet that Seinfeld knows plenty of people like that.

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Carlos Santana: I don’t currently have a Mexican friend (Salma Hayek STILL won’t return my calls and emails), so he’d add diversity; also, I hear he plays guitar.

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The Burger King: Yes, he looks like an alien serial killer who kills other serial killers; but, everyone needs a friend who can get rid of a body and this guy strikes me as that guy.

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Shaggy from Scooby Doo: He seems the type who could score me a bag of weed if I wanted one. Yoinks!

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Smokey the Bear: He seems kind, focused and grounded. We might have some trouble traveling together but I think I could pass him off as a “service bear” if he left the shovel at home.

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Tom Cruise: Next to him, I’d look sane and well-adjusted. I could rib him about Minority Report and he’d rib me about being a lonely old man who writes lists for fun. Plus, if I needed something from the store, he’d probably offer to run to it.

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Celine Dion: We could have fun together. When we got bored, we could use her ego to crush cars.

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Angela Merkel: Because she strikes me as someone who always has a butterscotch in her pocket.

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Al Gore: He’s got a wry sense of humor and he’s intelligent. I feel that, since his divorce, he needs someone to hang out with, talk to and, if drunk enough, to vandalize a graveyard with.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson: It would be fun to discuss astrophysics with him and he’d be handy behind the wheel of a getaway vehicle while Al Gore and I were knocking over tombstones.

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11 thoughts on “I Want Them to be My Friends

  1. Think Tom Cruise was the best one but my partner thinks Seinfeld was the best. Personally I’d like to be friends with Inspector Morse. His friends dont live long so he’d always be on the look out for a new friend and he could clear me of any crimes I commit … sorry didn’t commit 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m going with Neil and Carlos… but wait, Al Gore divorced Tipper? He did realize she’ll never be able to use Match.com or eHarmony anonymously right? How many Tippers can there possibly be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Robyn. I didn’t know how this one was going to go over. I’m starting to burn out a little. I was hoping to gain enough followers to put Moosehead up for a week and give my brain a little rest…

      Liked by 1 person

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