You can still wear white to your wedding even if you aren’t a virgin; however, you will have to affix a scarlet ‘A’ to your bridal gown.
Don’t spend more on a wedding ring than you can afford. Two month’s salary has been the amount decided upon by people who determine these things and who also sell wedding rings.
If your lips move when you read, you should probably not write your own vows.
If the bride is obviously pregnant, draw attention away from the bulge by making her head-wear more interesting… say a wide-brimmed hat or a sloth.
If you and your spouse-to-be follow different religions, get a Unitarian to marry you. That way, both of you will burn in Hell… together!
Make sure the church has a back exit.
Post a friend behind the church in case your spouse-to-be decides to take advantage of the back exit.
Don’t throw rice at a wedding: Birds eat it, it swells in their stomachs and they explode. Instead, throw bird seed laced with chunks of alka seltzer.
It is customary for the bride’s father to give her away; or, if he is a used car salesman, to sell her at a ridiculously low price. He’ll throw in the undercoating for free.
In Oklahoma, there is a tradition where, the night before the wedding, the bride and groom get into a fist-fight with the best man and maid of honor. In this case, avoid the punching bride’s face and the groom’s testicles.
In a standard wedding, you need at least two ushers to escort people to either the bride’s side of the church or the groom’s. If your wedding is incestuous, “festival seating” is just fine and the ushers can be used as bouncers for when someone inevitability pulls out a cheap handgun and starts waving it around.
The bride and groom are not allowed to see one another before the wedding. For a truly happy marriage, this practice should continue until the children are grown.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Now you tell me 😕
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Well, I could’ve told you later but then you wouldn’t know it, now…
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I’m not sure that even makes sense
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That was the idea.
I got married in August… on Hiroshima Day. So that disaster actually drew attention away from the bombing of Hiroshima. I like to think so, anyway…
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what’s special about June
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You’ve never heard the expression, “June Bride”?
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not until now
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I’m not sure how it became a tradition to get married in June but it was. Obviously, it wasn’t mandatory… I got married in August and my mom in December…
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Internet says “The month of June derives its name from Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage. It was thought that couples who married in June would be blessed with prosperity and happiness.”
In India, most of India, June is best avoided for marriages because it is unbearably hot and humid.
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I would’ve guessed that because only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun…
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I think the sloth veil trend could really catch on. And they move so slowly it will last right through the reception as well…
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If we can get Lady Gaga behind it, I think it will trend…
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Agreed. She could really rock a sloth…
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Also get married in the morning so if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
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My first non-ironic LOL of the day. Thanks!
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It’s advice I followed. Got it from some quote I found in my teenage years. Thought it was golden and kept that
wisdom close to my heart. No idea who said it first, though.
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The sloth and the car salesman really had me smiling 🙂
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Never smile at a used car salesman. He’ll take it as a sign of weakness…
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For some reason “sucker” appears on my forehead the second I walk into a car dealership. I’m already in trouble!
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They are pretty evil. Take your husband with you. Even if he gets ripped off, because he’s a guy, he’d never admit it…
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It’s good to know these things. Should I ever get married I’ll refer to this.
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Hopefully, by that time, I will have organized the information into book form…
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😀 In high school, when we read The Scarlet Letter, I actually thought about your first point!
(And I think you need an ‘allowed’ in your last one.)
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You have the eyes of an eagle and the soul of an editor.
Thanks, Chelsea!
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Is that… a good thing? 😀
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Good editors are nearly impossible to find. That’s why my workmates use… me… instead…
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Oklahoma . . . is . . . AWESOME!
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My tribe is in Oklahoma and my dad was born there.
The story about the bride and groom fighting with the best man/maid of honor was a true one and came out of a wedding I attended in Oklahoma. The bride got a massive black eye. She had enough make up on her face when she walked down the aisle to make another bride…
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I’ve actually never been to Oklahoma but I do enjoy a good fist fight.
That’s a funny story. Was the bridesmaid a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion?
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I was too young to get the details. All I know is, she had a shiner and my father was suddenly best man. Growing up lower middle class has it’s interesting moments.
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Haha! Waiting for one on divorce now.
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Well, I’ve been through both. Definitely more drama with the wedding, though…
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I have too. I agree, I used to be in the wedding industry… lots of good stories!
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