I Haven’t Been Wasting My Life! I’ve Been…

Building a collection of pig embryos that look like famous sumo wrestlers. Recycling children’s tricycles into weapons with extraordinary killing power. Teaching dogs to play dead REALLY well, then collecting the insurance. Writing a book about a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the elite live underground and write stories about a post-post-apocalyptic future where bands of motorcyclists […]

Things You Missed Because You are Younger than I am

Space Food Sticks: Just like the astronauts didn’t eat. What were they like? Ear wax taken from an Oompa Loompa… in stick form! Half the married people were trying to convince their spouses that open marriages were “natural” and “healthy” while the other half were looking for good divorce lawyers. The phrase, “Why yes, I’d […]

Just How Ugly are You?

U-1: No ugliness. Beautiful inside and out. If you are a woman, you are probably living with dwarfs and hiding from a wicked queen. Birds help you with your chores… animals avenge your poisoning. If you are a man, you have an abnormally strong chin and tend to pick fights with dragons. If you are […]

Ten Signs that You Might Be Too Passive, Maybe?

They took your red stapler. You feel that the rock in your shoe is “God’s will”… Your sexual technique is such that your spouse refers to you as “The Blow-up Doll”. In most of the drawings that your children make of you, you are smaller than everyone else and being killed with a fly-swatter. Your […]

Works that I Worked on that Never Worked Out

A fictionalized account of the Bible where random people talk like Joe Pesci. For example, Solomon glared irritably from his throne, “So, I like, have a crown, so I’m here for your amusement, is that what you’re saying?” A book of critical literary essays. The first essay would criticize John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row. The second […]