I’ve got a computer virus where, if I click on a porn site, it shows me instead an image of Hugh Hefner stabbing the Virgin Mary. I’d get the virus removed but it’s kind of a turn-on…
My biggest fear is that everything that can happen will finally happen, God will yell, “Bingo!” and the universe will end.
To be a dog owner, your memory has to be good enough to remember the last time you fed or walked your dog; but, not so good that you remember what your dog was licking five minutes ago.
Two guys bragging to one another about the size of their penises is homoerotic without the erotic.
You know in suspense films where a killer virus threatens the world there is always a scene with an epidemiologist and a map on a computer screen in the situation room. She says “Day One” and all of New York is red which is okay because better them than me; then, “Day Two”, a second map where the entire United States is red, which I am far less comfortable with. Finally “Day Three” with the map of the world entirely in red, something I’m not cool with at all. My question is, did she bring that software to the Pentagon or is that software on every Pentagon machine? If it’s her software, does MicroSoft force her to upgrade or is it optional?
People who say wild boars are more dangerous than domestic pigs haven’t seen my lipid count.
Eating the worm from a bottle of mescal doesn’t make you drunker but it’s a pretty accurate gauge of how drunk you are…
The message of Green Eggs and Ham is not “don’t be afraid to try new things”; but, more about the inevitability of giving in to someone with severe boundary issues.
I took a class in the Protestant Reformation and it was a disaster. I read the story of the 95 Theses as the “95 Tortoises”. After that, I was totally lost. On the plus side, the professor said that my term paper was “hysterical”…
Today’s scientists sit on the shoulders of giants. But, will they give the rest of us a ride? No.