I Saddle You with these Tips on Horseback Riding

Greet the Horse: Hold out a hand. Notice the horse touching its nose to your hand? It is learning your scent so that, if you do jump on its back and force it to carry you around, it can find you later and kick you to death. Ὠ Be Confident: Horses can sense fear. Exude […]

Avoiding the Stress of Christmas

Put your tree up early to a avoid last minute rush; in fact, I just keep mine up from the previous year. If you cook up a nice goose and a Christmas pudding to simulate a Victorian Christmas, be prepared for people to complain about the goose and later to complain about the pudding. They […]

Lesser-Known Ways of Telling the Future

Hold a pendulum over the abdomen of your significant other. If the ball moves in a circle, she’s going to have a girl. If it moves in a straight-line, it will probably be a boy. If the pendulum gets slapped violently out of your hand, she’s not pregnant and you are on thin ice, pal… […]

Remembrance of Things Random

If I had to pick my one biggest mistake in my life, I’d have to pick the time that I opened an allergy clinic right next door to a Africanized bee, shrimp, peanut and ragweed emporium. Older women who are attracted to younger men are called “cougars”. Older men who are attracted to younger women […]

Weak Threats

If you don’t tell me what I want to know, I’m going to have my friend, Boris here, punch me in the testicles. I’m going to get a lawyer and SUE YOU for .02 percent of everything you own! I’m warning you: Stay out of my way or I’m gonna have to veer to the […]