Things Guaranteed to Turn Out Badly

A fat guy, a bicycle and a ramp. Borrowing money from a guy named “No-nose Morelli”. Gift baskets of fugu. Children’s toys shaped like exposed high voltage electrical wiring. Cherry-flavored hard candy with a soft center made of sugar, gelatin and chicken pox. A “1-900” suicide hot-line number. Rattlesnake roundups for the blind. Buying […]

Killing Time Between Birth and the Sweet Sweet Embrace of Death

Tape a situation comedy that you’ve never watched. Fast-forward through everything but the commercials. Write a review in IMDB… Arrange your socks alphabetically. Start an argument with a tortoise. Go through all of your old Conan the Barbarian paperbacks and, wherever the word “knife” is used, cross it out and substitute “cutlery”… Learn to […]

Waiting to See the Doctor? Here are Some Tips:

[This one came from an idea from Deb Whittam. She has my profound thanks] Unlike prison, you don’t need to find the biggest patient in the waiting room and knock him out. If you keep guessing sequentially, until you hit on a legitimate health insurance number, someone will know that something is up. The woman […]

Why Severely Depressed Men Make Better Husbands

Speaking as a man with severe chronic depression, I think that our value as a life partner has been largely ignored when it hasn’t been derided outright. But, there are a LOT of reasons why severely depressed men make good husbands; in fact, some of those reasons are just below… If your husband is unhappy, […]

Who Can it Be Now?

When someone knocks on my door, my first reaction is anger. I put a lot of effort into alienating people so that this kind of intrusion doesn’t happen. And, I DO have anger issues; in fact, I once spent eighteen hours torturing a wall because a window sill was just shy of being level. I’m […]