Why Severely Depressed Men Make Better Husbands

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Speaking as a man with severe chronic depression, I think that our value as a life partner has been largely ignored when it hasn’t been derided outright.  But, there are a LOT of reasons why severely depressed men make good husbands; in fact, some of those reasons are just below…

If your husband is unhappy, you have to change nothing about yourself.

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No matter what your energy level, compared to your mate, you’ll look like a dynamo.

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You’ll always have the money to do what you like because what your husband likes, sitting in a dark room with the television on, is essentially free…

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If, by some miracle, the anti-depressants work, you’ll have a well-adjusted, vital and desirable mate that wants nothing to do with you.

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A functionally depressed man will work the same job day after day and year after year, bringing home pay checks like clockwork.  After he dies, he will take a sick day (or two sick days if he dies on a Wednesday) and will go right back to earning a paycheck the next week.

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Severely depressed men are more likely to raise nihilistic children which increases the chance that they’ll grow up to be renegade cops who play by their own rules.

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When you aren’t fun any more, which is usually right after the minister says, “I now pronounce you man and wife”, he’ll never notice…

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Depressed people often have a wicked sense of humor, so there’s a good chance that a severely depressed spouse will write humorous lists and will ask you to read them and then pout like a goddamned baby when you tell him you will read it later.

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The chronically depressed often “self medicate” with alcohol basically ensuring that you’ll always have a fully-stocked liquor cabinet when you entertain.

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Whatever you do to your depressed husband, he probably thinks he deserves…

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24 thoughts on “Why Severely Depressed Men Make Better Husbands

    1. That’s the beauty of it, Ray: After a decade or so, and six different anti-depressants and three kinds of therapy, you can just give up. Then, you learn to live with it rather than waste time hoping it will get better…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Depression isn’t really a joke, is it? I saw John Cleese awhile back and he reckons something is funny until you realise that someone is actually hurting. My boy tried to hang himself a few years back … so I’m not really sure I can take this one as a joke. Sorry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I worried about publishing this one; but, humor is how I’ve dealt with my own depression. When pills and therapy didn’t work, I had to learn to live with it. What you see in that list is me making fun of me. Sorry if it didn’t hit the mark…

      Tomorrow’s will be much daffier…

      Liked by 4 people

  2. I think you have to have suffered from depression yourself to get the self-deprecating humour of this one… I do appreciate that you have tackled a ‘not funny’ topic with laughter. I have always found it easier to laugh at myself than at others. And I prefer to be the one who laughs at myself first; not sure why that helps, but it does…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, last night, I looked at it and said, “No”. Then, I said, “How bad could it be?”… then a few more “no”s… but, the “how bad could it be”s won out.

      My ex’s response was more sadness than amusement. Maybe I should’ve written about her, instead…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. As a chronically anxious AND depressed wife, I had a real laugh at this. Most people think I am funny enough to do stand up, so maybe it is a silver lining. Thank goodness I couldn’t have any children because this delightful illness is endemic in my Irish and Mexican American side. Aren’t they meant to be fiesta people??
    I have one amazing advantage – if my husband wants to leave work early or not socialize all he needs to do is say “Kerry is not well” in suitably hushed tones. I am incredibly cheap too because I am convinced penury and public housing is around the corner again (poor childhood). Mostly I shop at thrift stores, go to bed at 6.15 pm and repair everything with duct tape which drives him crazy. Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My dad’s an American Indian and it runs along that side. And, my ex-wife used to use a similar technique when she didn’t want to go anywhere. Sometimes, to be ornery, if I knew she wanted to get out of something, I’d feign enthusiasm.

      You are the only one I’ve talked to that goes to bed before I do. I found that I have more energy in the morning, so I usually get up at three a.m. It actually works.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have 4% native Mexican DNA with a little North native – I suspect that our intolerance for alcohol (and love of it) runs on that side. I don’t get up until 7 am and still seem to need either the sleep or the relaxing in bed.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nothing like humour, nonsense and whimsy to help lift mood, calm anxieties and get one’s ass out of bed in a morning.

    Better than any therapy I’ve had to date.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My problem is, if no one is talking, say at a meeting at work, I have to fill in the gap with something unusual. A common phrase by the managers in my area is, “Charlie’s starting to talk. We’d better begin the meeting”. It’s kind of a compulsion…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to fill in gaps of silence when among others,
    I’ve (almost) retrained myself to appear as content as those around me in those pauses using mimicry while I let my mind wonder freely.
    My logic might be asking my imagination questions about people or objects in the room. My imagination can usually provide amusing; but not hurtful, answers.
    People are creatures of habit.
    When speaking, they may use the same prompt to indicate my full attention is required.
    Things like “earth to Grace..are you receiving us, over?” But more often than not prompts such as “okay, so ….” or “moving on then…” or “let’s look at the figures from last week”
    Enjoy the mindful quiet, let your thoughts go for a stroll and listen out for the prompts – the prompts are your signal that vocalising may be required 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is brilliant. I’ve concluded that women prefer husbands who’ve had a full lobotomy and exhibit no signs of free will. In fact, I might quote myself on this thought later! I’ve never written it down before, and now that I have, I see the truth in it. I’ll post it on my FB page!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. From my twenty year previous marriage, I think women want a man who is flawed enough where they can blame him when necessary… but, most of the women I’ve been involved with have been New Yorkers… which is a mental illness all on its own…

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