Who Can it Be Now?

When someone knocks on my door, my first reaction is anger. I put a lot of effort into alienating people so that this kind of intrusion doesn’t happen. And, I DO have anger issues; in fact, I once spent eighteen hours torturing a wall because a window sill was just shy of being level. I’m not proud of it… although, the wall DID think twice before doing it again… It’s all in my book, Home Repair for the Completely Unhinged…

I understand that people will sell things door-to-door or ask for petitions to be signed or need me to move my car off of their lawn. I completely understand. The last neighborhood I lived in, only one person knocked at my door in ten years and she did it to complain about rats living in my back yard. Not even to complain… just to tell me that she was going to “tell on me”. As a consequence, I had to poison Cinnamon and Diane because a stranger wasn’t comfortable with them living in a hole under my heat pump.

Now that I’ve moved to what I hope is a rat-free home… if you exclude the rats that moved with me, NO ONE SHOULD BE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR. My home is not just a home: It is a sovereign nation. I even implemented tariffs on things I buy outside the home or on my mail. Frankly, I’ve considered annexing my neighbors’ homes, but, I hear that their window sills aren’t level and I’m tired wall-screams. So, a real estate empire based upon colonization is probably out of the question. It doesn’t mean that I cannot build a wall.

Now, a lot of my workmates tell me that building a wall around my house isn’t going to help. For one thing, I live in a townhouse. Another problem is, currently I run a surplus… if I build a wall around my townhouse, I’ll run a deficit of 1.7 billion dollars, which means I’ll be eating a lot of ramen for a very long time. Moreover, real estate agents assure me that building a wall around my townhouse will NOT add 1.7 billion dollars to its sale price… even if MY WALLS ARE PAINTED A NEUTRAL COLOR.

So, what are my options? I can’t get a dog because, despite their reputation for loyalty, they can be easily bought with a pork chop or a side of bacon… as can we all. A sign saying, “For God’s Sake, Do Not Knock on this Door” will only attract curiosity-seekers who want to find out exactly what will happen if they knock on my door (spoiler alert: I will cripple them with a heavy object and throw peanut shells at them as they crawl away). The worst option of all is to just deal with it like a normal person might.

Because, that is giving in to social pressure… EXACTLY what we’ve been raised NOT to do. Conformity is frowned upon by everyone pretty much universally. Those who don’t frown on conformity are pressured by the general public to change that view. Regardless, it seems as if my world of solitude is destined to be violated from time to time. I’ve grown as a human being and I’m proud of what I’ve become.

I just wish Cinnamon and Diane could see me now…