How to Get Donald Trump Out of the White House After January 20

[Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!] Put a bucket of chicken on the sidewalk and slam the gate behind him when he grabs it. ☼ Turn off the wi-fi… ☼ Seal all the doors and windows and transport the White House into Earth orbit. Then, open the air-lock and suck him into space. ☼ Remove all of […]

How to Tell if You are a Covid 19 Super-Spreader

A dozen people from your last mask-less get-together went to the hospital and it had nothing to do with the salmon mousse. Your Secret Service code name is “The Plague Rat”. Suicidal teenagers run up to you and lick your forehead. Masks you give out at your events aren’t compliant with CDC guidelines and are […]

Don “Beat Generation” Trump: Covid #19

“Boiling water kills Covid 19. Maybe there’s a way we can ingest boiling water or maybe just boil the entire body, could you look into that?…I understand that there aren’t enough tests for the virus so I’m recommending that we take different tests… like SATs or LSATs and scratch out the titles and replace them […]

Comparing Our 45th President to a Rat

When Vladimir Putin sees a rat, he says, “Oh! A rat!”. When he sees Donald Trump he says, “Oh! An idiot!” Rats aren’t as interested in bankrupting farmers because RATS LOVE GRAIN SILOS. Most rats are pretty sure that there were no airports back in the year 1812… Rats don’t care about your religion or […]

Donald Trump’s Advice on Weathering a Government Shutdown

If your money gets tight and you cannot afford food, maybe fire a member of your staff that you’ve been meaning to get rid of… that insolent chauffeur for example… Yes, your family lives paycheck to paycheck. When there is six months to a year between paychecks you’ll still be living from paycheck to paycheck, […]