How to Get Away with MURDER

Try to avoid leaving evidence behind. Don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks… If someone feels you have a grudge against the deceased, you will receive extra scrutiny. Be nice to your intended victim… really nice; but, if you end up having sex, REMEMBER, don’t drop any hairs, […]

Holiday Travel Tips

Avoid peak travel times. For example, if you normally travel the day before Thanksgiving, choose a less busy time, like the middle of October. If you have gifts you simply must bring, mail them instead and you save a lot of trouble; in fact, while the box is open, just jump in and save the […]

What I’m Thankful For, Part 3

I’m thankful for my two sons, without whom I’d still be wondering why my wife got so fat those two six-month periods in the nineties. I’m thankful for the First Amendment, which allows me to say what I want; and, for the Second Amendment which allows me to shoot people who say things I don’t […]

Some Thoughts on Eating Dog

If you are going to eventually eat your dog, don’t raise it as a beloved pet because it isn’t polite to play with your food… In dog-eating countries like Vietnam or the Philippines, eating dog might just get you a case of rabies; so, if you don’t want rabies, avoid eating dog in those countries. […]

Why I Threw a Plate of Chicken Cordon Bleu at You

I was aiming at the guy behind you who turned out to be your reflection in the refrigerator. Because I said CHICKEN KIEV and you didn’t listen… YOU NEVER LISTEN… and now you’ve ruined your ENTIRE BIRTHDAY! I blame society and also my violent temper. When I threw the food at you, wasn’t I really […]