I’m thankful for my two sons, without whom I’d still be wondering why my wife got so fat those two six-month periods in the nineties.
I’m thankful for the First Amendment, which allows me to say what I want; and, for the Second Amendment which allows me to shoot people who say things I don’t like.
I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, the ARTIST OF THE DECADE…or, as I know her, “that pop singer that isn’t Miley Cyrus or Brittney Spears”
I’m thankful for the firefighters who put out my city’s fires, even the ones I didn’t set.
I’m thankful for syndication because why watch some new stupid boring situation comedy when you can watch a stupid boring situation comedy you’ve already seen?
I’m thankful for our democracy which ensures that the person with either the most votes or the second most votes becomes president.
I’m thankful that I’ve never had to use the word “recondite” in a sentence… until now, of course…
I’m thankful for the American flag, without which I might become confused at a post office and imagine I’m in Macedonia.
I’m thankful for our public school teachers because, without them, our nation’s liquor stores would go broke.
I’m thankful for the coy glance of a pretty young girl cast in my direction because its helps me know that there is some good-looking guy sitting behind me…