Ask a Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Superintelligent Dog Pt7

Dear Genetically-modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

What are your thoughts about the recent speculation that they may have found evidence of life on Mars?

Cleland in New Zealand

Dear Kiwi,

That really depends on your definition of “life”. Some might say that people from Philadelphia are alive; but others, having met them, strongly disagree. Suffice to say, if there is life on Mars, it would make the Red Planet far more desirable than a certain Pennsylvania city…

Dear Genetically-modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

If a train leaves Hartford, Connecticut at exactly 2:37pm, traveling west at 60 mph and another train leaves Branson, Missouri at exactly 3:05pm, traveling north-east at 70 mph, at what point will the two trains metaphorically explain my inability to properly close a Ziploc bag?

River Dix from the Stix

Dear Stix,

Seeing a word problem excited this super-intelligent dog to the point of having to go outside and then suddenly NOT having to go outside in the most embarrassing way possible. The simplest way to close a ziplock bag is to first set up a vertical plumb line and then align the bag to magnetic North. Using your thumb and middle finger, pull the bag towards you while rotating two hundred and seventy degrees. Add marshmallows and cook until translucent.

Dear Dog,

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no idea what to get my teenage kids. Any suggestions?

Robyn in Bobbinalong

 

Dear Robyn,

Teenagers are difficult to buy for due to a wide range of maturity levels. Your teenager might be very mature; or, your teen might be no more mature than the average adult. But, take heart. It is very easy to buy something that you know they’ll hate. The disdain they’ll feel for you is the perfect Christmas gift for any teenager…

Confidential to Royal Pain in Maine,

Good news! In your state, it is illegal for your husband to slaughter a pet for food; however, if your pet dies of natural causes, you’re going to have a fight on your hands.