Ask a Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered Superintelligent Dog Pt7

Dear Genetically-modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog, What are your thoughts about the recent speculation that they may have found evidence of life on Mars? Cleland in New Zealand Dear Kiwi, That really depends on your definition of “life”. Some might say that people from Philadelphia are alive; but others, having met them, strongly disagree. Suffice to […]

What I Want 4 Christmas

A copy of The Walter White Cookbook. A round-trip ticket to the happiest place on Earth: The Xanax factory! A pinochle deck with the prime numbers removed. A statue of an angry Buddha, crumpling up a betting ticket and smacking a prostitute. A boxed set of every movie that Adam Sandler wasn’t in. A […]

Christmas Gifts No One Wants

A shock collar for a boa constrictor. A bottle of glue with a “My Little Pony” on the label. Hepatitis. Twelve year old scotch tape. A five dollar coupon for a gift certificate. Meth-head Barbie and her Malibu dream dumpster. A coin collection comprised of pennies from the last ten years. A glow-in-the-dark enema […]

What to have on Television at Holiday Dinner with In-Laws

Die Hard: An epic action movie about an international terrorist prick who plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with an American prick in the form of Bruce Willis. You’ve seen it a million times and it serves well during those periods of awkward silence after your wife’s cousin has finished talking about his […]

The Reindeer at a Glance

Dasher: Despite his name, Dasher is not the fastest of Santa’s team… nor is he the strongest. He was a Marine in the Pacific theater of WWII. Hired after he pulled St Nick into a foxhole during an ill-advised Christmas visit to Guadalcanal; and, Santa Claus feels that he “owes him”. Other reindeer think of […]