What to have on Television at Holiday Dinner with In-Laws

Die Hard: An epic action movie about an international terrorist prick who plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with an American prick in the form of Bruce Willis. You’ve seen it a million times and it serves well during those periods of awkward silence after your

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Alan Rickman Taking the Easy Way Out

wife’s cousin has finished talking about his most recent time in rehab. The character of John McClane is tough and brave but also seems like the kind of New York cop who keeps little packets of crack in his pocket to plant on black people who run stop signs… And, like most people, when I see Alan Rickman, I have to wonder, if he had it to do all over again, would he still have made Robin Hood or would he have taken the less embarrassing role as the last two legs in Human Centipede

Dr. Zhivago: A beautiful epic motion picture set during the Russian revolution or the Industrial Revolution or maybe ancient Greece. You can have it on a loop in your basement because no one is capable of watching more than fifteen contiguous minutes of it, anyway. Fun fact: Russian actors actually exist so WHY DID THEY CAST AN EGYPTIAN??? A good substitute for Dr. Zhivago is Lawrence of Arabia. I was watching it at a drive-in theater once and, twenty minutes into the movie, my date literally raped me out of boredom.

Bedtime for Bonzo: One of those movies that isn’t funny enough to be considered a comedy or good enough to be considered a movie. It matters so little it is basically background noise. Be careful, though: When my brother-in-law started talking about what a great president Reagan was, I accidentally broke the slightest of smiles and had to listen to a forty-five minute rant about how trickle down would’ve worked if it weren’t for labor unions, the Illuminati and the Loch Ness Monster…

It’s a Wonderful Life: A depressing Christmas flick but it’s fun to imagine George Bailey, after seeing what horrible things would have happened to the pharmacist who beat him

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Hypothermia Makes Everything All Better!

as a child, the townspeople who abandoned him and his pointless wife if George had never been born, CHOOSING not to be born just out of spite.

Batman and Robin: Well, you’ve had dinner, argued with your brother in law and thrown up on your niece (mostly due to the bargain whiskey that your father in law keeps in the single malt bottle in his bar, but also due to the fact that you’ve always wanted to throw up on your niece). Now, it’s time to sit in your introvert bubble, concentrate on a stupid movie and wait for the inevitable bad-liquor headache to kick in. You are drunken scum and don’t deserve to watch a good Batman flick. So, this one is perfect…

Football game: During a tense family holiday meal, nearly everyone has to leave for a few minutes, just to keep their sanity from slipping away in a rage-induced cloud of violence and “fuck you”s. What better excuse than to go upstairs and check on how your team is doing? By the way, this is the ONLY day of the year on which ANYONE refers to the Detroit Lions as “my team”.

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House: You watch this and pretend that pretty Myrna Loy is your wife. Witty, beautiful, urbane and doesn’t pick fights with dangerous-looking patrons every time you two eat at that Chili’s by the highway; then, you glance over and realize that she is having the same thoughts about you and Cary Grant…

Sound of Music: Rehab cousin is not always gay cousin but, in your wife’s family, lightning apparently DOES strike twice in one place. Rehab gay cousin is way better than rehab born-again ex-gay but not fooling anyone cousin. Anyway, all three of them like musicals; and, after finding where grandma keeps her medication, gay rehab cousin will not hesitate to belt one out along with Julie Andrews and her Nazi pals.

Any Jerry Lewis Movie: Want all the ladies in one place and want that place not to be where you are? Just put on an old Jerry Lewis movie. I’ve never met any human with ovaries who, after watching four minutes of any Jerry Lewis film, didn’t chew off their own arm and use that as an excuse to leave for the emergency room. I thought I saw a woman sit through Martin and Lewis’ The Caddy in the waiting room at a tire shop; however, it turned out that she had simply died while waiting for her tires to be rotated.

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Unsuccessfully Trying to Get Through an Episode of their Own Show

Golden Girls Marathon: When you want everyone out of the house for the night. The only television show I remember being less funny than Golden Girls was Princess Diana’s funeral…

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