New Year’s Resolutions


  1. I resolve to finish training my prototype of the first seeing-eye cheetah, thereby giving the blind the ability to drive on most U.S. highways; moreover, I will try to breed out the DNA segment that makes the animal dangerously cheesy…
  2. I resolve not to try to explode the heads of my fellow subway riders through telekinesis.
  3. I resolve not to try to explode the heads of my fellow subway riders through methods other than telekinesis.
  4. I resolve to make more money, using a better color of ink this time.
  5. I resolve to make more of my goals unverifiable ones.
  6. I resolve to finish my gene splicing of pit bulls with cannibus, producing a creature with the loyalty of a spiff and the THC content of a bull terrier.
  7. I resolve to stop phoning Katy Perry, disguising my voice as Elmo.
  8. I resolve to forget that I ever heard the word “octomom”.
  9. I resolve to proofread my sentences before I sentences after I’ve proofread them.
  10. I resolve not to become aroused by anything with gills.
  11. I resolve to induce comas in pigs then market them as “vegetables”.
  12. If a woman recoils upon meeting me, I resolve not to assume it was a horror-related recoil.
  13. I resolve to fight less based on what the other guy might have done in a previous life.
  14. I resolve to lose weight through a rigorous program of overeating and procrastination.
  15. I resolve to date more women…some through carbon dating and others simply by cutting them in half and counting the rings.
  16. I resolve to pull myself up by my own boot straps; if that fails, maybe some sort of internet scam.
  17. When talking to meth addicts, I resolve not to insert the phrase “now I’m over here” randomly into the conversation.
  18. I resolve to spend more time telling my friends that I love them; and, spend more time searching for friends that aren’t creeped out when I do that.
  19. I resolve to finish that children’s book I’ve been working on about the baby panda with STDs.
  20. I resolve to use the word “squall” at least once a day.
  21. I resolve to stop wrapping my old prescription medicines in bread and feeding them to ducks and squirrels.
  22. I resolve to find a market for my Gilbert Gottfried inflatable sex doll.
  23. I resolve to be nicer to Matthew Broderick.
  24. I resolve to solve fewer conflicts with arson.
  25. I resolve to treat my chronic depression by watching television for hours in a dark room.
  26. I resolve to cut down on the number of times I blurt out the name and accomplishments of Saint Honoritus of Vercelli during the act of sex.

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