The Reindeer at a Glance


Dasher: Despite his name, Dasher is not the fastest of Santa’s team… nor is he the strongest. He was a Marine in the Pacific theater of WWII. Hired after he pulled St Nick into a foxhole during an ill-advised Christmas visit to Guadalcanal; and, Santa Claus feels that he “owes him”. Other reindeer think of Dasher as an “alright kind of guy”; but, on those days he gets really quiet, the others give him his space.

Dancer: It took maybe four fondue parties at Dancer’s pad before the other reindeer realized that Dancer “marched to the beat of a different drummer”. He’s the best dressed of all the reindeer but the others think he might be a little TOO into cosplay…

Prancer: Shares an impeccably decorated apartment with Dancer. On days off, mostly flips through magazines and listens to Billie Holiday.

Vixen: As the only female in the team, Vixen tends to over-compensate and compete a little too aggressively; in fact, she was excluded from the reindeer games altogether until she filed the lawsuit. Briefly involved romantically with Cupid. When Cupid abandoned her, he left a simple note on his pillow that read “Do not want”…

Comet: Sure, Comet gets pretty high… and drunk, but never so that he isn’t okay to fly when it’s time. Takes pills as if they are candy; drinks liquor as if it’s water; and, consumes candy and water as if they are pills and liquor. Has been known to mainline, free-base and spiff-crush. [Spiff-crushing is filling a vacuum chamber up with marijuana smoke, applying two million psi, crystallizing the smoke. The crystals are dissolved in a benzene/bromine solution and injected into the femoral artery for a forty-five second high that is just swell].

Cupid: Cupid just could NOT keep it in his pants. The most physically adept of Santa Claus’ reindeer, he would often be found in people’s homes, fornicating with any dog larger than a Setter. Santa was able to minimize this behavior through a combination of counseling and castration…

Donder: Donder does NOT like conflict. He is the peace-maker of the group although pretty bad at it. Mostly, he mutters things to himself like, “Only piggies drop food on the floor. Donder is a little piggy”. He is the most stable member of the team if you ignore the self-mutilation.

Blitzen: The reason Santa Claus had to institute diversity training. Blitzen is a white supremacist, despite the fact that he is a reindeer. Calls the other reindeer, “Mongrels” and spends most of his time alone reading The Fountainhead.

Rudolph: Well, after they shouted out with glee and the flush of success was gone, all of the other reindeer went back to harassing and ostracizing Rudolph. He ended up at Charles Xavier’s school and joined the X-Men. Wound up in a triangle relationship with Logan and one of those whiny mutant women (let’s say… Storm, why not) and then left suddenly after Wolverine offered to cut him in ways that would make him useless to a female and confounding to a tailor. Rudolph went back to Santa’s team. They mostly leave him alone ever since he cut up Donder pretty bad after a misunderstood remark about Spanish peanuts…

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