Killing Time Between Birth and the Sweet Sweet Embrace of Death

Tape a situation comedy that you’ve never watched. Fast-forward through everything but the commercials. Write a review in IMDB… Arrange your socks alphabetically. Start an argument with a tortoise. Go through all of your old Conan the Barbarian paperbacks and, wherever the word “knife” is used, cross it out and substitute “cutlery”… Learn to […]

Think-things that Follow No Pattern

I wanted to recreate what it was like to be a fetus, so I kicked my mother in the stomach… My team lost the “Most Apathetic Team” trophy. The other team just wanted it less… How do you throw away an empty garbage can? I keep trying but when the garbage men see the […]

Ironies That Probably Aren’t Ironic

Rain, on your wedding day… unless the bride’s name is “Stormy”. If it is, you should really check into her past… Finding out, after working beside her for years, that your twin sister was born on the exact same day as you were and in the same hospital… Dreaming that the flight you will be […]

Financial Terms You Should Learn

Interest: Something your bank does not have in regards to your patronage or satisfaction. Asset: Stuff you have that banks and billionaires think is rightfully theirs. Futures: Basically off-track-betting that a particular commodity will be partially destroyed by frost or locusts and therefore become more valuable. Cash Flow: How much drug money a particular […]

Fun Facts About Florida

Florida calls itself, “The Sunshine State”, presumably because “State Overrun By Poisonous Reptiles and Deadly Insects” was already taken by Louisiana. Florida’s governor, Rick Scott, has been named, “Most Monstrous Governor” three years in a row. Florida’s state bird is the mosquito… Florida’s primary exports are citrus, sugar, tomatoes and pain killers. Europeans discovered Florida […]