Christmas Gifts No One Wants

A shock collar for a boa constrictor. A bottle of glue with a “My Little Pony” on the label. Hepatitis. Twelve year old scotch tape. A five dollar coupon for a gift certificate. Meth-head Barbie and her Malibu dream dumpster. A coin collection comprised of pennies from the last ten years. A glow-in-the-dark enema […]

My Love for Vegetarians Knows No Bounds

Vegetarianism can be traced back to Pythagoras, who only ate bread, veggies and a little honey. It didn’t catch on because people weren’t aware of the strong link between being a mathematician and being a nutritional scientist. Vegetarianism can also lead to weight-loss, which might be some comfort considering that you will no longer be […]

Acceptable Times to Free-Associate

When you are a keynote speaker at a deconstructionist’s convention. During a psychotherapy session. This includes de facto sessions such as when you mindlessly prattle on to the person in the next cubical. When you are caught by a loved one in a big lie. If free-associating doesn’t confuse them, they might assume you […]

Things Guaranteed to Turn Out Badly

A fat guy, a bicycle and a ramp. Borrowing money from a guy named “No-nose Morelli”. Gift baskets of fugu. Children’s toys shaped like exposed high voltage electrical wiring. Cherry-flavored hard candy with a soft center made of sugar, gelatin and chicken pox. A “1-900” suicide hot-line number. Rattlesnake roundups for the blind. Buying […]

Fun Facts About Thanksgiving!

In 1863, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln officially made Thanksgiving a national holiday. Celebrants could be thankful for their food, family and the fact that they hadn’t been killed by gangrene or mortar shells, yet. Lincoln wouldn’t let the Confederacy have Thanksgiving until they stopped being thankful for slaves and, to a […]