Notable Breeds of Cattle

Black Angus: Also called “The Aberdeen Angus”, or “Angus” or “The Eastern Striped Lemming”. These cattle were bred to survive the bleak Scottish winters and the slightly less bleak Scottish summers. Angus don’t have horns so they solve most disputes through arbitration. They were bred specifically to be processed into meat and eaten, which only […]

The Worst Gifts I’ve Ever Gotten

[Sorry. But, the only other thing I have is something on Bismuth] A birthday cake made out of asbestos powder and cherry frosting. ☺ Comic book seconds: The heroes were all out of shape and unlikable. GenericMan fired a ray that stopped his opponents. What kind of ray? What ever kind you want. ☺ A […]

So, You’ve Decided to Take Hostages

When you promise to kill a hostage every hour until your demands are met, BE SURE YOU HAVE A WATCH OR OTHER TIME PIECE. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the authorities what time it is. ● When you give a list of demands, be sure and include, “the right to ask for […]

So, You’re in a Western Movie and You’ve Been Challenged to a Gunfight

If you are fighting a good guy, don’t worry about it. He’ll either shoot you in the shoulder or the hand so you won’t die until sepsis or gangrene kicks in three days later. ♣ When having a gun-fight, always keep the Sun behind you because why add skin cancer to being shot? ♣ If […]

Orthodontia and Me

Braces are a cosmetic procedure… like a face-lift… if a face-lift was done without anesthesia, one square centimeter at a time and with scary disfiguring scars. ♪ If you have braces, no girl will ever date you. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and no one will ever speak to you again. ♪ When that little […]