The Worst Gifts I’ve Ever Gotten

Image result for fat batman

[Sorry.  But, the only other thing I have is something on Bismuth]

A birthday cake made out of asbestos powder and cherry frosting.

Comic book seconds: The heroes were all out of shape and unlikable. GenericMan fired a ray that stopped his opponents. What kind of ray? What ever kind you want.

A meatloaf made from breadcrumbs and swan.

A declining chair; just pull the lever on the side and it becomes shabby and quite old.

A table made from partially reclaimed wood; other people had rights to a few square inches.

A stress-ball made to look like a puppy.

A puppy made to look like a stress-ball.

A deep friar… meaning a monk who talked about philosophy and science a lot.

Organic low-salt gluten-free ANYTHING.

A book on the subject of nude photography, un-illustrated…

Pajamas with horse bodies on them so if some mafiosi leaves a horse’s head next to me in bed, I can hold my pajamas up to it so I can trick myself into believing it is still in one piece.

A special kitchen trash can just for crepes.

A chess set where all the pawns looked like pennies and all the other pieces looked like pennies. I never did find a board.

A kosher meat thermometer.

A monkey’s paw with all the wishes used up.

The gift of a child’s laughter… which I heard while I was being beaten by teenagers with golf clubs.

15 thoughts on “The Worst Gifts I’ve Ever Gotten

  1. D’s new focus is all about stress toys and no lie, he just got a cat squishy ball this weekend. Yuu can make its whole head explode out and then pop it back in. Very relaxing! And the deep friar really cracked me up.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You know, when Declan uses any of his stress toys he says they are very satisfying. Although, when it comes to squishing a cat to makes the cat’s eyes bulge, “satisfying” could come across as a little sadistic. Especially when he calls the cat “so cute!”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. For Valentine’s Day, I’m going to give my wife a cookie jar, a cookie baking tin, box of cookie mix, and a box of my favorite cookies in case the cookies she makes leave something to be desired.. After I get home from the emergency room, I’ll let you know how it all panned out.

    Liked by 1 person

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