Notable Breeds of Cattle

Image result for herd of cattle

Black Angus: Also called “The Aberdeen Angus”, or “Angus” or “The Eastern Striped Image result for black angusLemming”. These cattle were bred to survive the bleak Scottish winters and the slightly less bleak Scottish summers. Angus don’t have horns so they solve most disputes through arbitration. They were bred specifically to be processed into meat and eaten, which only seems cruel if you think about it.

Brangus: All the deliciousness of the Angus with all the sparkling political wit of the Image result for brangusBrahman. This hybrid was bred to thrive in conditions the Angus would find hostile. Brangus gain weight easily as a matter of course in much the same way as any woman married for more than ten years does…

Guernsey: This is the “money-cow”, whatever the HELL I mean by THAT… A Guernsey is a Image result for guernsey cowdairy cow; and, WHAT a dairy cow. A butterfat content of five percent makes it the cow I’d most like to be on a desert island with. Fyi, the book I’d take to that desert island? 101 Recipes with Milk and Cream or Marlon Brando’s For the Love of Butter!

Hereford: Bred to thrive in bleak biomes, this is the most likely breed to pin you up against Image result for herefordthe side of the corral and literally tear you a new one. The weird thing is, they look so REASONABLE. They weren’t particularly well-bred and so are prone to dwarfism and eye cancer which might explain their short tempers.

Holstein: A dependable dairy cow that is probably too stupid to plot your death but keep Image result for holstein cowan eye on it anyway. They seem a little arbitrary, such as the one advertising a chicken sandwich franchise ostensibly to keep people from eating beef… but the Holstein is a DAIRY COW. And, it isn’t as if they CARE about other cows. Hosteins look out for themselves…

Jersey: The Jersey cow is a dairy cow with a high butterfat content in its milk. What makes Image result for jersey cowit different from most others is its small size. It weighs about half what a Holstein does. And, that is why people underestimate it. They turn their backs for that one split second and THAT’S when the Jersey cow GETS YOU. Highly recommended breed providing you sleep with one eye open…

Texas Longhorn: Named after one of the more disappointing teams in the “Big 12”, the Image result for longhorn cowTexas Longhorn has a six foot rack of sharp horns because nothing makes more sense than to breed into your food the ability to defend itself. The Longhorn’s meat is lower in fat so it was eventually rejected by the tallow-loving public. Isolated herds exist although even they don’t understand why they bother to go on.

Wagyu: Despite having a name that implies a fight with Godzilla is imminent, the Wagyu Image result for wagyu coware popular beef cattle in the country of Japan. And, Japan is a beef-loving nation… although very few can eat it due to the fact that it costs more than an aircraft carrier. Its marbling is superb Many Japanese prefer to eat it raw because of course they do…

Spanish Fighting Bull: Bred in an effort to control the population of Spain’s tight-panted Image result for bull fightfops. These are bad tempered animals whose main job seems to be outsmarting a little guy with a sword and a cape. The bulls are normally killed in the ring; but, occasionally one will get a good lick in.

Image result for zebuZebu: This breed lives in Asia’s hottest and driest areas. As dairy, draft animal and beef cow, it is the Swiss army knife of animals that we kill.


23 thoughts on “Notable Breeds of Cattle

  1. I am 45ish and just learned there are different types of cows. I always saw “Black Angus Burger” on the menu or cooking shows cooking with the amazing Wagyu, but never realized either was from a specific type of cow. I thought it was the cut of meat – like the black angus came from the butt part of the cow and the wagyu, I don’t know, maybe the shoulder. Your post was of course, funny, but also (for me) very educational!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Robyn. Keep in mind that the milk of these cows is very different as well. I impressed my ex-wife by predicting the type of cow her yogurt came from by the butterfat content. (She called the company)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My son dated a girl who ended up in the Teen Tournament; she might’ve won if she had bet larger at the very end but she thought she might miss the question.

        I’m probably too slow for Jeopardy at this point.


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