I AM THE DARKNESS!!!

I am the darkness in that I’m not particularly light. When I see my neighbor, he calls out, “Hey, Charlie… are you still the night?” and I have to remind him that, no, I’m the darkness… because I’M PURE EVIL. Then, the says, “Cool” and invites me over to play cards that night. I accept […]

The Symptoms of Canine Panic Disorder (CPD)

Urination: Obviously, not all urination; but, urination where it doesn’t normally occur: Such as the carpet, the stove top or Haiti. Vocalization: As in rapid and/or high-pitch barks or yelps. If the dog vocalizes, “I’m chill, bruh”, it’s probably not panicking and is more likely a surfer. Trembling: Uncontrollable shaking is a sign of CPD. […]

This Day in History: July 29

William Powell born on this day in 1892, the first act of a desperate man. Known primarily for the Thin Man series of moves, he managed to carry off his screen persona as a tough guy despite the fact that he weighed no more than a toddler. Hague Convention treaties were signed on […]

Solutions to America’s Debt

A one dollar surtax on every time a Texan uses the phrase, “That’s what SHE said” unless they are using it to convey what a female human or parrot actually said. Sell our tanks and missiles to smaller countries who are already at war on the condition that we get to film it and turn […]

Why I Don’t Drink Alcohol, Anymore

I want my public nudity to be MY idea… not the idea of the worm in a bottle of mescal… I dread accidentally ordering a “girl drink”. That warm feeling where you feel content and the world loves you lasts about ten minutes; then, you hit a bouncer with a bar stool because he purposely […]