I AM THE DARKNESS!!!

The 8 Best Kids in the Hall characters | GIG CITY

I am the darkness in that I’m not particularly light.

When I see my neighbor, he calls out, “Hey, Charlie… are you still the night?” and I have to remind him that, no, I’m the darkness… because I’M PURE EVIL. Then, the says, “Cool” and invites me over to play cards that night. I accept but never show up because, as I said, PURE EVIL. In fact, I’ve made my neighbor’s life a living hell with the things I’ve done to him:

I replaced the plants in his front yard with plastic ones so that, when he waters them, HE’S WASTING WATER.

I ordered and paid for pizzas and had them delivered to his house. Now he’s morbidly obese.

I painted, “I KILL U SOON!” on the side of his house in three foot letters and in the same color as his house.

I got under the hood of his car and let all the air out of his radiator.

I kidnapped and hypnotized his dog so that, now, he thinks he’s an inch shorter than he actually is.

I secretly signed him up for a newspaper subscription and then, every morning, I STEAL HIS NEWSPAPER.

I told him my middle name was “Edgar”, even though it isn’t, so that, if he talks to a member of my family, he’ll look stupid using the wrong name.

I snuck into his home, while he was away, and shaved his boa constrictor.

I obtained his social security number and got a passport in his name. Then, I used it to travel to Bermuda and back. Now, everyone thinks he takes more vacations than he really does.

After he’d gone to sleep, I snuck into his bedroom, chloroformed him and moved him onto his right side.

I started a rumor that he didn’t like being gossiped about.

I am the darkness, folks. Don’t mess with the dark… or move next door to it. You’ll never find your way out without a cell phone…

Mandark (@TheRealMandark) | Twitter

12 thoughts on “I AM THE DARKNESS!!!

  1. “I’M PURE EVIL” sounds like an oxymoron. On the other hand, IMPURE EVIL sounds redundant. You could call yourself an EVIL GENIUS, which is up for grabs because Trump chose to go with a VERY STABLE GENIUS.

    Liked by 1 person

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