I am the darkness in that I’m not particularly light.
When I see my neighbor, he calls out, “Hey, Charlie… are you still the night?” and I have to remind him that, no, I’m the darkness… because I’M PURE EVIL. Then, the says, “Cool” and invites me over to play cards that night. I accept but never show up because, as I said, PURE EVIL. In fact, I’ve made my neighbor’s life a living hell with the things I’ve done to him:
I replaced the plants in his front yard with plastic ones so that, when he waters them, HE’S WASTING WATER.
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I ordered and paid for pizzas and had them delivered to his house. Now he’s morbidly obese.
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I painted, “I KILL U SOON!” on the side of his house in three foot letters and in the same color as his house.
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I got under the hood of his car and let all the air out of his radiator.
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I kidnapped and hypnotized his dog so that, now, he thinks he’s an inch shorter than he actually is.
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I secretly signed him up for a newspaper subscription and then, every morning, I STEAL HIS NEWSPAPER.
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I told him my middle name was “Edgar”, even though it isn’t, so that, if he talks to a member of my family, he’ll look stupid using the wrong name.
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I snuck into his home, while he was away, and shaved his boa constrictor.
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I obtained his social security number and got a passport in his name. Then, I used it to travel to Bermuda and back. Now, everyone thinks he takes more vacations than he really does.
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After he’d gone to sleep, I snuck into his bedroom, chloroformed him and moved him onto his right side.
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I started a rumor that he didn’t like being gossiped about.
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I am the darkness, folks. Don’t mess with the dark… or move next door to it. You’ll never find your way out without a cell phone…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I think you’re bored Charles. Buy a cat 🦜🦜🦜🦜🦜
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All five of my essays this week are the same theme. Try to guess what that theme is…
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Donald Trump???
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Don’t try to guess with just one. Wait ’til the third one and then guess…
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Your neighbor probably has a reason why he doesn’t sleep on his right side. Moving him to his right is just mean. My vote goes to: PURE EVIL.
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I know, right? I didn’t even mention that I call his son “Stephen” even though his real name is “Steven”…
EVIL!
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You had me up until shaved boa constrictor. That’s just cruel. Now all the other boas will bully him..
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You’ll notice there are eleven in the list. I was going to take the boa constrictor one out; but, at the last minute and at great expense, I left it in…
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Er, if you ever feel like making my life a living hell by buying me lots of pizza too, feel free…
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“I’M PURE EVIL” sounds like an oxymoron. On the other hand, IMPURE EVIL sounds redundant. You could call yourself an EVIL GENIUS, which is up for grabs because Trump chose to go with a VERY STABLE GENIUS.
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As a Californian…I hissed at that fake plant one.
(And extra points for using Mandark at the end!)
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I never understood why he was the evil one when Dexter was pretty evil to start with…
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