Remarkably Folksy Advice My Great Grandpappy Gave Me

The Lord loves a working man; but, for some reason, he gives the best cars to the idle rich. . Any problem seems more solvable when you’ve got matches and a can of gasoline. . Women like a proud and confident man; that way, after they break his spirit, they can look back on a […]

The Moon is Blue… and Also Red

I heard that the blue Moon was also going to be a blood Moon on Tuesday, so I was excited to see it. Not excited like a child on Christmas…or, like a dog any day of the year…but, excited. What I stepped out to see ended up being a full moon that looked like every […]

Occupations that Make People Kill

House Painters: House painters, besides being drunks and part-time burglars, murder a LOT of people. Why? Because eggshell is just like cream which is just like snow which looks an awful lot like ivory which we checked and it matched the hat you like so I painted the WHOLE GODDAMNED HOUSE with it so you […]

Finally! An EPA I Can Get Behind!

I was relieved to see that the EPA is finally learning from its mistakes: Protecting the environment leads to nothing but trouble. Problem is, we’re protecting it and, at the same time, the environment is throwing hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes and tidal waves at us. Why are we protecting something that clearly wants us dead? […]

Theme Restaurants for the Twenty-first Century

The Thing You Ate from Outer Space: Patrons eat freeze-dried MRIs and drink water processed from the urine of the people before them. Restrooms are adult diapers… Darwin’s Diner: Weapons are handed to each customer, the doors are locked, lights are turned out. The winner gets to eat the losers… Cold War Cafeteria: […]